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Hey hey hey guys. Whilst Kels is working on the LAST (sob, sob) part of Crimson Nights, I thought that I’d go solo for a bit. Well, actually I was asked to spork one of the following person’s stories, and being the kind generous soul that I am, I accepted the challenge (and the allowance of massive amounts of snark without retribution). Because I’m not used to Word 2010 yet (after surviving on ‘98 for the past 12 years) my comments will be in a simple bold.

Link: There was something I was supposed to do…
Title: The Forgotten Chapter One
Author: MLittlepaw
Description: The forgotten will always come back to you, one way or another.... like a missing sock that gets stuck in the tumble dryer.
 

Hi there! Hai hai hai! This is my new story. Poor H' Her name is Haich apostrophe? there is making a sad face, isn't she? I'm not telling her full name just yet! And why is that? You have to find out! …Did you forget about her too? Also, I had an awesome cover, but the font on that one glitched, and now the replacement glitched too. : P

I stared in the mirror, looking at the scars. I didn't even really know WHY I had them, nor did I remember anything else beyond the day I woke up in the hospital. I didn't even remember my own name! The doctors said that they had found me lying in front of a tall building, broken and bleeding. Then they glued me back together. None of that mattered. I was leaving the hospital in about an hour, to try and find out about myself, or just start a new life. I mean, really, I was only 25.*nods* The last time I had amnesia, my age was the one thing I tried to hold on to But who did I leave behind? Did I even matter to anyone? Or was I just a piece of paper, long forgotten, floating in the ocean? No. You’re not a confusing metaphor! You are a person with scars and magic floating hair.
Will you tell me who I am? See previous statement.

*Two hours later, in the small house that one of the wealthier doctors had bought her* Whut? All I can say is, ‘sign me up for this healthcare plan!’
I made myself a bowl of cereal. First, I dug a pit in my backyard and collected some clay. Then I set it on the pottery wheel and crafted a bowl. Whilst it was in the kiln, I sowed and harvested some wheat. I wasn't really hungry, I just almost felt as if I didn't eat, I'd forget that, too. Nah, your stomach is a powerful invention. Why you get hungry, it rumbles. As I poured the cereal into the bowl, I felt almost kind of sick. And then...

...This. Maybe, if I was lucky, it was a side effect of one of the medications they had put me on for my… scars? So that my glue wouldn’t unstick in the dishwasher? To hold my hair at precisely two inches off my chest? I wasn’t really paying attention when they told me. IF I was lucky....

I slowly dialled the doctor's number. We may not be Spanish, but that don’t mean you can forget about the double-l.

"Oh... Really?"
... Yes really. Sorry, I was just pausing for a second, and not using being lazy and using ellipsis in the place of actual dialogue.
"Oh no..."

Well, I certainly wasn't lucky... Turns out that it wasn't a side effect. Well, actually, it kind of was, but of something... Different. They should totally put this is sex ed lessons: Warning – side effects include babies. Joy. Now I have to do THIS! --->

Okay, I thought to myself. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad! But I had no support except for the doctors! No job to support us! WHY CAN’T THE TEN’S SUES BE THIS REALISTIC! /not sarcasm

*LATER*
I had picked up the newspaper, just to see if there were any jobs that would accept me with my amazing knowledge of the number twenty five and the side effects of secks.

That was when I saw the headline. The headline that changed my life, or at least this one.
WOMAN MISSING, ASSUMED SUICIDE
Oh, joy of joys. What kind of person WAS I?! The only woman in the world apparently, since you jumped to that conclusion mighty fast.
Then I read on:
Hailee, we love you. If you are still alive, please come back to us! Come back to your FAMILY!
Oh geez. I had a family. What a drag. Now I’d have to splash out of Christmas presents.
DESCRIPTION OF MISSING PERSON:
Long black braids, which will probably have changed by the time you read this. Unless she’s a dirty scratter who never washes/brushes her hair.
Beautiful green eyes
Beauty is subjective, they wouldn’t use this in a WCIF for a missing person.
Pale skin
Will likely be injured or dead, since, ya know, suicide was mentioned.

Oh geez. Hailee? Why couldn't it be Jade? Or Gene? Because your parents thought that the double e makes it hXc? Oh well. Certainly they must be better than living alone in this torture: being forced to reside in a free house.

I dialled the number.
"Hello? I think I may have seen the missing woman in the newpaper..."
“I’m sorry; I couldn’t even be bothered with the replacement ellipsis this time. So, you’ve seen this woman?”
"Yes, of course. I AM her, at least as far as I can tell... Who are you people?"

Whapa! Whiplash ending right there.




And because I cannot find a tape measure to tell my new doctor what my waist size is, take part deux for free.


Link: … but I just can’t remember.
Title: The Forgotten Chapter 2 And we were getting along so well. Spell it out, kthnxbye.
Author: MLittlepaw
Description: Love can be lost, love can be found. We discussed this. It’s stuck in the dryer.

Yay! Last chapter! I decided that I could take this plot no further, because the petrol costs a lot and it does nothing to contribute, except for the next series with the family. : D Sorry if you notice any of the plumbobs, thought bubbles, or other various doodads. My camera kinda autozooms out after I take the piccy. There will likely be an epilogue, just because I love the characters so much. There was not an epilorgz. Just like My Angel. *sadface*

He was finally here. The man that could possibly change my new life for the better. The angel? The vampire? The Killer!? Men don’t always make it better *nods*.

I was totally shook shaking his hand. Because italics mean srs business.
"Hello." I said.

He tried to hug me. Who was I to stop him? A strong, independent female character? We supposedly were married anyways. Does he have it on paper, because a kiss hug is not a contract.

We sat on the couch...

...And looked each other in the eyes.

"So." I said, trying not to be nervous. I suddenly felt even more nervous. I got up to go to the bathroom and calm down.

"Hang on a minute." I called over to him, the virtual stranger who claimed that he was my husband, leaving him alone with all my precious belongings.

I stared at the sink until...

...I remembered that it was one of the special, remembrance models. Every single second. Every single second of every single memory between me and Matt came flooding back to me.

"So... Matt-" I couldn't even finish my sentence because a side effect of the suicide attempt was that I now had smaller lungs.
"I never told you my name! Hardcore Hailee-" I cut him off too.
"Yes, I remembered."
"Then let's go home."
Done and done.

I got into the car with him. I couldn't be happier.

We talked, and talked, and talked some more. Do not distract the designated driver. Suddenly, just as Matt turned the wheel to go right- The car stalled. See.
It was all a rushed blur because cars speed up when they stall. All I remember of that was Matt's final breath:
"HAILEEEEEEEEEE! I always wanted to be a screamo star!"

It was a tree. A weeping willow, to be exact. Why should I be taunted like that- weeping willow was ever so close to "weeping widow". It’s also close to creeping pillow. Coincidence? I think not.

I took my daughter off the bouncy horse in my yard- it had been installed two months ago in the summer of necessary information- and held her in my arms.

As I held her, all was right in the world... The cruel, cruel world. *nods at the oxymoron*
****************************************

*************************
I had given birth to twin boys in late July, Caison and Triston. I was so pissed about this that I had to steal a little girl to make it more even. Caison, almost magically, had inherited Matt's skintone. Genetically speaking, he has the darker, more dominant skintone. As I thought about Matt, all the pain flooded back.

Will you tell me why my love is lost? You distracted the designated driver. But don’t worry. He’ll turn up in the dryer one day soon.

Hope this helped you MLittlepaw. Your spelling and grammar is generally good, but I think you need to work on adding more detail to the story, to make it more believable and realistic. For example, I didn't know why the woman wanted to kill herself, or what she had done to end up in hospital, or what her relationship with her husband was like.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
junebug_13
Sep. 7th, 2010 05:23 pm (UTC)
WAIT. What? I don't understand. So she got her memory back, all was well, and then her husband died? IDGI. A+ sporking, though! I love that Total Eclipse of the Heart video. xDDDD
~June
(Deleted comment)
maranazar
Sep. 7th, 2010 08:44 pm (UTC)
XD I know those lyrics, but I don't know the original all the way through, lol.
flying_tacos
Sep. 7th, 2010 07:39 pm (UTC)
Whoa, I had to read that story at least twice to figure out what the heck was going on.
The video was awesome! Have you seen the literal Harry Potter commercial? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MahTKZDHXaA)
Also:
"Does he have it on paper, because a kiss hug is not a contract."
FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS? Mad respect.
julessims
Sep. 7th, 2010 08:07 pm (UTC)
I'm really confused. It's not a good feeling.

Wait. She suddenly remembers her family, but then her husband is killed when the car hits a tree? And she must go on without him? Why do people suspect that she killed herself? And how did she get the amnesia in the first place?

Hmm. *strokes imaginary beard*

It's supposed to be ironic, right? Because if it is, I think I get it.

I agree with you, Gem, the grammar and spelling is good, but the plot needs work.

Readers need more detail. Even if it's supposed to be a mystery (although, I'm not sure if this story is supposed to be mystery), there needs to be details to be able to comprehend what's going on in the story. We need to know facts about the character's life, but told in such a way that it's showing the reader, not telling. Right now, the writing isn't doing either. Although, at times, I think it's okay to tell rather than show, but as long as it's not continuously telling, it's okay.

And I think I've gone off on a tangent. Sorry about that, LOL.
julessims
Sep. 7th, 2010 08:08 pm (UTC)
Also? Great and snarky sporking, Gem! :D
maranazar
Sep. 7th, 2010 08:49 pm (UTC)
This could have been an epic short story, I think. Too bad she lost interest. =(
kokomirus
Sep. 8th, 2010 04:40 am (UTC)
Umm. I'm confused. This usually happens when it's too long, so when the story is short and confusion ensues, that's just sad.
:( <== see, sad.
Great sporking, regardless. :D
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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