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So hey, everyone! I am back in the sporking saddle. Ready to hit the old dusty trails with comma splices and incorrect dialogue blowing across my path like so many tumbleweeds.
Woo and hoo.
As sometimes happens, the author of this story asked for it to be sporked. Before we begin, I'd just like to say that it's not poorly written at all. I have no idea where her writing insecurities come from, but they are, for the most part, unfounded. I'd also like to apologize because she asked me to spork this like, a month ago, but university is a harsh mistress and demands a lot of my time. Seriously. It's like BEESH I AIN'CHO BABY MAMA! GTFO!

Anyway, on with the show!

The Game Master - One

Created By:

kittyluvjess
Description: Leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive Let me guess...it's a song title.


Leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive - Florence & The Machineperiod and spaceWelcome to my new story! Just one note: the music in this story actually serves a purpose, especially the first song. If you listen to the lyrics, it foreshadows what is to comeperiod :-) Why not use foreshadowing to foreshadow what is to come? Rant time! What if I’m in a place where I can’t listen to the song? What if I’m on a connection that makes streaming videos from YouTube difficult? What if I simply do not share your taste in music? Please, authors, stop using music to create a mood for your audience that you should be creating yourself!


{Background music: Dog Days Are Over - Florence & The Machine}

"Erin Ramsey!"

I was jerked out of my doze, wondering what I could have possibly done wrong.

"Yeah, Mom?" I asked, a little cautiously, not quite sure what the fuss was all about I feel the need to let you know, once again, that I don't know what I did wrong. It's for ~science. I scrambled to think of some crime: I had gotten a ticket, semicolon Kenzie's rabbit had gotten out again, semicolon I went past the text limit on my cell. I had accomplished all these things at least once;
ßshould be a double hyphen, or put this next part in parenthesis or more than once, in the case of my ticket, even though I had just received my license barely two months ago. Dude. Slow down. Life is not a race. I shoot you in the face with muh mace. Pay attention to me as I walk my steady pace, whoever wins the race wins it with nu'un but death and hate. Word.

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But nothing came to mind except for those few things I just listed there. You listed it where? Did you write it down with a pretty sparkly pen? I love sparkly pens. They’re so awesome for making lists. They also sometimes make truly awkward sentences less so. Try “But I couldn’t think of anything new to have caused my mother to be angry,” or something. I had been an uncharacteristically good girl lately, which was odd, given my track record. *give cookie* Not a legal record; but Mom's was just as accurate and had twice the chance of being used against me. I C WUT U DID THARR. Wait, no I don’t. You only use a semicolon when the thing that comes after it can stand alone. If I walked up to you, author, and said “But Mom’s was just as accurate and had twice the chance of being used against me,” you’d possibly have the same look on your face that I do right now.


Rubbing my sore eyes, I traipsed I see this word used incorrectly a lot. To "traipse" means to "walk aimlessly with a stork-like gate," says Webster. I would traipse if I had nowhere to go. I traipse about my apartment complex with my friends when I'm bored. I imagine Erin
Ramsey here, given her sleepy state and ~possible bad behavior, is trudging. ~~~*The More You Know*~~~ 
out into the living room, where Mom was waiting, phone in hand. "Phone for you," she replied, giving me a frustrated look. "You took your time."

Before I could retort with a bitter remark, I noticed the dark circles under her eyes. She'd been working late again. "Thanks," I said, wondering who was calling. All my friends texted me now; nobody ever called. Stupid technology. What happened to the good old days of smoke signals and animal imitations?

"Hello?" I asked, making my way back to my room. "Hello?"

Nobody answered.

I was about to hang up when I heard heavy breathing on the other end. It sent chills down my spine. Eeew. Creeper.

"Erin . . . Ramsey . . . " a hoarse, deep voice said. Holy mother of pretzels. Plz to not be putting spaces in between ellipses, kthnx. Points for only using three, though.

"He-hello?" I asked, my voice shaking. The line went dead.

"Cradle..." muttered the phone line. "Receiver..."
"What is it, Line? What's the matter?"
"I do believe...this is it," wheezed the line right before the last spark of life left its chord.
"NOOOOOO!!!" the receiver and cradle cried. "HE WAS SO YOUNG! SO. YOUNG!"


My right hand, the one that clutched the cordless phone, began to tremble. My stomach twisted, and I set the phone down on my bed. Who had called?

My mind raced to think of logical conclusions: if Mom had given the phone to me with little concern, then why was I getting the ominous-sounding message? Why was I getting the scratchy voice?

I rolled my eyes. Prank call. Duh. Wow, I had a moment there.

The phone rang again, jerking me out of my reverie and scaring the living shit I didn't know shit was alive. Does it have a Facebook? out of me at the same time. I jumped slightly, and stared at the phone as though it might bite me. But allowing it to ring would only irritate Mom more.

I braced myself and grabbed the phone. "Hello?" My stomach tangled itself in a knot as I wondered who would be on the opposite end of the line.

"Eri!" a familiar voice cried, one that belonged to myspizzacefriend April. I sighed in relief. Of course.

April was probably the only teenager in Graschia, California, who used a phone to talk with. Never end a sentence with "with." Wait...I mean, never use "with" to end your sentence. You don't even need it in this case. It is a superfluous word. SUPERFLUOUS, I SAY! She was pretty
childlike, for a sixteen-year-old girl. Because sixteen year olds are, in no way, children. Nope. It was kind of endearing sometimes, but occasionally it became annoying to have April behave like a ten-year-old. You don't need the hyphens here. Before, they were describing the noun that followed them (girl), now they're just useless and in my way.

"Guess what?" she cried, her voice nearly bursting my eardrum through the speaker. OMG WHAT? TELL MEEEEE! "I got a new game!" Wow...really? What a let down.

"Good for you!" I switched the phone to my other ear while rubbing my damaged one, even though I knew it did no good. My ears were particularly sensitive, which annoyed my friends when I refused to go to school dances because of the pounding music.

April continued to speak. "Anyway, Sonya, Mindy, and possibly Cato are already coming over, so how about you bring a sleeping bag and pajamas and we'll have a small party! Just one last get-together before school starts next week." A SLUMBER PARTY?! Hold on girl, lemme grab my polka-dotted pjs, some popcorn and ingredients for my avocado face mask and I am THERE!
I bit my lip, my mind quickly contemplating the situation. If I didn't go, I would be raining on April's parade, and she said not to bring around a cloud to do anything like that because if Cato didn't come, there wouldn’t be enough people to play the game.

I really didn't want to go, but I hadn't seen my friends in weeks: Mindy had been in the Bahamas all summer. Sonya and Cato, twins, had gone to North Dakota. And April had been all over Europe; her parents were millionaires, and she went on expensive vacations all the time.
Lucky.

"Erin? You there?"

Shoot. I had taken too long to respond. The buzzer went off and I was ushered off the stage. A man with large teeth and a puce jacket turned to the camera and audience I had been all but oblivious to before. "Sorry, Erin," he said, the grin never leaving his face, "but you're out of time. As are we! We'll see you next time on--" he was cut off as the audience called out the name of the show: "DODGE! THAT! BULLET!"

"Um, yeah," I said, wincing in embarrassment. "I'll be there in a few." I clicked the off button, sighing and falling back onto the bed.

It was astonishing to me how I was such a pushover sometimes. I just wanted people, especially April, to be happy. She was just so happy-go-lucky, so "gold." Gold? I've never heard this term to describe someone’s personality.

But really, why couldn't we at least sleep in spare bedrooms instead of sleeping bags? They had plenty in their mansion. I hated sleeping on the floor, this comma is irrelevant to my ~interests~ with a passion.

I threw some clothes into my bag and hurried to tell Mom where I would be going. I was hoping she'd let me go; she was still steamed about the speeding ticket that I had received a few weeks prior. See previous funky fresh beats, yo. Normally, she would have gotten over it by now, but
she always tended to be edgy when Dad was on business trips.

 
She was in the living room, massaging her forehead like she had a headache. "Hey Mom, I'm going over to April's for the night; is that okay?"

She turned to face me, looking tired. "That's fine honey, be careful on the roads." She embraced me, which took me by surprise. Neither one of us was really the hugging type. I stood rigid in her arms, regretting it but not sure how to respond to her sudden affection.

As I exited the kitchen, my little sister, Kenzie, looked like she had just gotten home from her friend Janie's. Her shoelaces were coming undone, causing her to trip and impale herself on a toothbrush, but her eyes shone with happiness.

"Bye, kiddo," I said, adjusting the bag on my shoulder into a more comfortable position. "Don't forget to feed Mr. Floppy, okay?"

She smiled sweetly. "Bye, sissy."

I didn't bother to close the door quietly; it slammed loudly enough for me to hear it all the way down the driveway. Never mind the fact that I just said my mom had a headache. I was too hXc to be courteous.

I thought about driving to April's, but decided against it. It was a nice, cool night, and her house wasn't that far away. Ten minutes, tops.

As I went from block to block, the houses became bigger and more elaborate. Cicadas chirped from nearby bushes, creating a loud but calming hum that resounded throughout the neighborhood.
A black car, a Ford Escape Hybrid no space , I believe, sped by me, blasting music that made the ground under my feet seem to tremble. He’s got that boom boom pow! At first, I scowled at the strangers for disrupting the peaceful night, but smiled as I recognized the driver and the passenger.

Evidently, they identified me, too. "Oi!" a familiar male voice, Cato's, cried out. "Back up, Sonya!"
The car screeched to a halt, and the driver put it into reverse, narrowly missing one of the cars parked on the curb. Whoever was in control of the music turned off the radio; suddenly, it was too quiet.
"Erin!" Sonya exclaimed, her lip rings flashing in the dying sunlight. Her dark eyes glittered. "Strange seeing you here; on your way to April's, I bet?"
"Yup, she says she's got a new game," I responded.
"Well, we're almost to the gated community, so you "Well, we're almost
to the gated community, so you might as well hitch a ride with us," she
said. Ouch. Fail.

Cato cleared out most of the backseat, tossing CDs, magazines, and other items to the floor of the car. Sonya is the most scene person I've ever met. She and Cato had been in
foster care for years before being adopted in California. Her piercings came from an act of rebellion from one of their particularly awful foster parents. She was the poster girl for teenage rebellion and spirit. Of course she was.
Cato wasn't as physically imposing as Sonya. He currently wore a Beatles tee and some jeans, per usual.

Sonya turned the music back on. I recognized the song as an old one by Bullet For My Valentine. The twins purchased new CD’s New CD’s what? You did it right before, and I was impressed. I’m sad now. See my sad face. =( all the time, but Sonya often chose the songs in the car. Most of them were her old favorites. I recognized this one as "Last To Know" from Scream Aim
Fire. Your knowledge of scene hXc artists is ~sew impressive. Really. It is. Actually, these little plugs kind of make the story drag, IMO. It’s fluff. Chinese food. Sure, it’s okay, but we are left ~unfulfilled, author. UNFULFILLED!

Sonya gave our names to the gate guard, whose name was Lamar. He smiled as he let us in; we came often, probably more frequently than anyone else he let in.
Even upon seeing April's house for the thousandth time, I was still in awe of its size. It looked even bigger on the inside. Like the tent at the World Cup? I wish I could do that spell.

Cato rang the doorbell, and whistled as we waited for someone to answer the door. April bounded to the door, her smile a mile wide.

"I was wondering where you guys were! I called you less than TEN WHOLE MINUTES AGO! GOD, keep up! C'mon, I already ordered pizza, and it'll be here any minute." She ran to her room, slamming the door loudly in her wake. Were these kids raised in a barn? Seriously?

April bolted up the stairs while Sonya, Cato and I shared a look. "I feel kind of bad," Cato said, his eyes lingering on the door April had just slammed. "I have to be at McGavin Park in about forty-five minutes."

"Your band finally got a gig?" I asked, smiling.

"Yeah, just got the call yesterday."

Before I could congratulate him, April came flying down the stairs again. "C'mon! Let's go set . . ." Actually, when someone gets cut off mid-sentence, you use a hyphen. “C’mon! Let’s go set—“she was cut off as the door bell rang. The doorbell rang. "Pizza's here!" she exclaimed. "Go make yourselves comfortable; I'll be up in a sec."

We traipsed up the stairs and entered her bedroom. I loved her room; it was bigger than half of my house. I'm sure her closet was bigger than my room. Lame. Jealous. I want a huge room.

When I saw the title of the game, I shivered. It had a gothic design, but that wasn’t the only problem. It read The Five Trials, in spidery, loopy writing. Underneath the words there was a small red stain. Someone ate their fries and ketchup too close to the box? What?

Contrary to the rest of the board, which was black, the stain was blood hyphen red, though faded. It gave me chills. Blood actually turns brown after it dries.

"Pizza’s here!" April came bounding through the door, setting down a pizza box. "I hope pepperoni is okay." EVERYONE LOVES PEPPERONI! And if you don’t…

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When nobody responded, she sprang into action, beginning to set up the game. "We"noped better wait until Mindy gets here."

I shrugged. "It's her fault for being late," harsh I replied, taking a slice of steaming pizza and taking a huge bite.

I heard the door downstairs open, and then close. "Hello?" Mindy called. "Anybody home?"
April put her finger to her lips, and crept out of her room. We sat, listening for whatever April was planning to do to Mindy.

All I heard was "Holy shit!" and then "Dammit April!" I could hear someone, probably April, bounding up the stairs while Mindy chased her.
Sure enough, April burst into the room seconds before Mindy arrived, with a murderous look on her face. April giggled while Mindy shot her a death glare. Her gaze softened when she saw us.


"Oh, hey, you guys," she said. "Ooh, pizza." She took a seat next to me. Mmm. Yes. Nothing like melted cheese on bread to soothe hurt feelings.

"God, April, I thought you were gonna give me a heart attack," Mindy complained, taking a bite of her pizza. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

April ignored Sonya's complaints and continued setting up the game. By the time she was finished, I had polished off my first piece and was almost done with the second, and Sonya and Cato were discussing the gig.

"Okay, done!" April exclaimed. "So first, we each take a sheet of paper, write our names on it, and put it in the middle." We did as we she</b>
said, and sat in silence as we waited for the next instructions.

"Okay," April read from the instruction sheet. "There are five different scenarios we have to play through: medieval times, an apocalypse, Victorian England, an abandoned city, and a labyrinth. We all start here," she gestured to one of the corners, "and play our way
through. The point of the game is for everyone to get to the next trial together, but if you are behind, you are trapped on that level."

"Okay, let's get started!"


SO. EXCITED!
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Who wants to bed the game is ~cursed. Like if Life came to…well…life! Imagine having to get a job and have babies to win. UGH!


We each grabbed a playing piece and put them on start. Mine was some kind of scepter- This hyphen. It is irrelevant. thing.
April shuffled the cards. "Okay, you first, Erin."

I took a card from the pile. "Begin in medieval times," I read aloud.

For a second, I noticed a strange fluctuation out of the corner of my eye. It was as though my vision was warping.

My first thought was a migraine. I got "auras", commas always go inside the quotation marks, even if the person isn’t speaking which was when it looked like your vision was warping, whenever I had a migraine. But none had ever come on this fast before.

I massaged my head. "Sorry guys," I said. "I think I’m getting a . . ." I stopped talking when I looked up and the room began to spin.

"What-?" I slurred, because my tongue suddenly felt too big in my mouth.

My eyes rolled back in my head, and everything faded to darkness.

{Background music: Introduction - Sky Eats Airplane} AARGH! *throws things* Wait…so is this section of the story about a sky eating an airplane? Is that what this is foreshadowing?

"They have arrived."
A boy with strange red hair burst into the room. The man sighed; it was unnecessary to tell him; I would use a double hyphen here, but that’s just me he already knew.
"Yes, Lucius, have you forgotten that I am the master of this game? I of all others should know when new players have arrived."

Lucius looked abashed. "My apologies, but there are people reading this story who didn’t know, and I thought that it would be a good chance to both let them know and give myself more lines. Plus, they are still in the entry room. They have been so for several hours."

"I know," the Game Master said. "There are five, I believe? More than we've had in many years."
"They might actually stand a chance."
The Game Master nodded. "Precisely. That is why you will be lying in wait at the first trial. Gain their trust, betray them, whatever you wish."

Lucius smiled. "I have never failed you before." He turned and left the room.
The Game Master studied a game board in front of him, identical to the one in April's study, but he could see each of the players, unconscious in the entry room.

He grinned. "Let the games begin."



And that's the end! :-)
This is one of the upcoming characters ^^^
And I am really sorry that Erin had to use a cell phone, instead of the cordless her mom gave to her. See, I didn’t even notice until you said something. Don’t feel the need to apologize for stuff like that. To me, the pictures are just an abstract representation of your story—they don’t have to be absolutely perfect. Some hack prevents me from using the phone; error messages came up even when her mom held it. I'm working on fixing it.

And I'm sorry that the sunset scenes were so dark; it's a mod, and it can't be helped. You could remove the mod.
Again, if you have any constructive criticism for me, I would appreciate it if you signed my guestbook and told me :-)
-kittyluvjess

 

Yay! So here are my notes for you, kittyluvjess:

 

Your grammar is actually really good. I almost proclaimed this story unsporkable—there just isn’t a lot here to work with, which I guess is a good thing. There were a few little mistakes, and most of it seems like it could be taken care of if you looked over it really well before submitting it. Your storyline is also interesting, and your characters seem to come with pretty well-thought out personalities. My only thing is, you kind of lost me in the midst of describing the house and the characters and the stain. I know that in these beginning chapters it’s difficult to squish all of your descriptions in with the things you need to tell the story. A lot of it was fluff, and while that’s okay for a first chapter, your plugs of songs really pulled me out of the story. I would rather see lyrics than titles and bands, but that could just be me.

Anyway, it was really good! I look forward to reading (possibly sporking) the rest. =)

Comments

( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
kyra_master701
Oct. 9th, 2010 05:43 am (UTC)
Yeah, person, your story's pretty good.


"Cradle..." muttered the phone line. "Receiver..."
"What is it, Line? What's the matter?"
"I do believe...this is it," wheezed the line right before the last spark of life left its chord.
"NOOOOOO!!!" the receiver and cradle cried. "HE WAS SO YOUNG! SO. YOUNG!"

The buzzer went off and I was ushered off the stage. A man with large teeth and a puce jacket turned to the camera and audience I had been all but oblivious to before. "Sorry, Erin," he said, the grin never leaving his face, "but you're out of time. As are we! We'll see you next time on--" he was cut off as the audience called out the name of the show: "DODGE! THAT! BULLET!"

BEST LINES EVER TRUFAX
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 01:46 pm (UTC)
XD Thanks, Kyra!
lissasims
Oct. 9th, 2010 06:20 am (UTC)
The only real complaint I have with this story is the abrupt change in viewpoint - if most of the story is written in first person ("I said"), then it shouldn't suddenly switch to third-person ("he said"). Not to say that it can't be pulled off successfully, but it usually doesn't work. It doesn't work with this story.

Also, I hate hate when someone breaks up their story like this: "POV: Character, Music: "I Kissed A Girl". I don't mind the insertion of song lyrics (if the lyrics match the story), but this is filler, and also distracting.

Otherwise, this story looks pretty promising, and I might read the second chapter.
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 01:51 pm (UTC)
(ICON, OMG! *huggles*)

I agree, but in this case, I think she pulled it off well. We all know it would just be easier if the whole thing was third person, but I think I would rather see it switch like that than to let us inside Red Eyed Face One Guy's head right now.

And I SO agree with you about the "POV: CHARACTER; OMG, LOOK AT MUH SONG CHOICE, GUISE!" It is an Exchangeland trend, though. Like mermaids and baby mamas.

It does! I'll probably read more of it, but I don't think I'll spork it again unless she wants more feedback.
lissasims
Oct. 9th, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)
(ICON, OMG! *huggles*)

I know, right? Cutest psycho killer character ever.

Multiple first-person POV is definitely worse than switching from first-person to third-person, but I haven't seen many books that switch POV like that and do it well. The only book I can think of that does it well is House of Leaves. Abrupt POV changes are a big pet peeve of mine.

lady_dragonae
Oct. 9th, 2010 09:58 pm (UTC)
I haven't seen many books that switch POV like that and do it well.
The Bartimaeus Trilogy! It's one of my most favouritest ever series. Whenever it's from Bartimaeus' POV, it's first-person. For Nathaniel and Kitty, third-person. It works really well.

Just throwing that out there. :)
julessims
Oct. 9th, 2010 11:44 am (UTC)
I agree with you, Mara. This isn't bad at all. It's entertaining with characters who actually have different personalities. There's the element of suspense and a cliffhanger that's actually a cliffhanger, and so on and so forth.

I actually really enjoyed it without the sporking, and I enjoyed it with the sporking, too, of course. :)

The grammar does need some polishing up, and I agree with Lissa about the abrupt switch of viewpoints and the song insertion, but other than that, this is a great story.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this develops.
holly_starship
Oct. 9th, 2010 12:10 pm (UTC)
I actualy really liked reading this story. I thought it wouldn't get picked up my sim spork, I'm actually pretty surprised you sporked it. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that it hopelessly reminds me of The Hunger Games, and the sims all look the same.

The description is lyrics from Dog Days are Over by Florence + the Machine. You were partially right.

The sporking was actually very productive. I can actually see it helping the writer, because there's more good comments than sarcastic ones. :)
julessims
Oct. 9th, 2010 01:20 pm (UTC)
The author asked for it to be sporked that's why it's here. Otherwise, I honestly don't think it would have been at all. It's a good story.
holly_starship
Oct. 10th, 2010 08:59 am (UTC)
...Oh yeah. I think I skimmed that part in the spork. *facepalm*
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 01:54 pm (UTC)
Yeah, what Jules said. If she hadn't asked for us to do it, no one would have. I actually think I said something at the end about how I almost proclaimed it un-sporkable FROM THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN, SPINNING AROUND WITH MY ARMS STRETCHED OUT!

*cough*

OIC.

Yay! Productive ~sporkage!
holly_starship
Oct. 10th, 2010 09:01 am (UTC)
Haha xD

It hasn't got as many comments on irrelivant things (like added jokes from outside the sims and the story) so yeah, I found this one would really help the writer :)
kokomirus
Oct. 10th, 2010 04:02 am (UTC)
it hopelessly reminds me of The Hunger Games

Erm. How so? If anything, what it reminds me of is that one really weird picture book/movie. Jumanji or something like that.
maranazar
Oct. 10th, 2010 04:44 am (UTC)
I've never read The Hunger Games, but I do see a lot of Jumanji. Put me off board games for life. *nod nod nod*
holly_starship
Oct. 10th, 2010 09:07 am (UTC)
Jumanji scares the shit outta me, I lived through a year of nightmares from it when I was little D:

I don't know why it reminds me of The Hunger Games, it just does. Whenever I read this story, I get the feeling that it'll turn out like The Hunger Games. It's weird o_O
paparazzi_x
Oct. 9th, 2010 12:24 pm (UTC)
I see this helping instead of putting them off, hopefully the writer will find their way here and pick up some of the helpful hints.
Great spork work Mara :)
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 01:56 pm (UTC)
I hope so! Like I said, it's been a while since she asked. Mostly, I want her to know that her writing is good, and that any worries she had are silly and she should accept that she's a good writer.

Thank you! =)
kelseypinkshoe
Oct. 9th, 2010 03:22 pm (UTC)
I actually didn't read it all because I was pressed for time, but for the most part it seemed readable and enjoyable - I'll come back to it later :)

Whee, a Mara-spork! I haven't seen one for so long, and was starting to miss them. I think we need to do a double-sporkage of something light. xD (So that we both have time to do it)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 9th, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
kittylucjess
Ok, thank you so much for sporking my story!
Thanks for listing some of awkward sentences, which I couldn't really find a way to fix by myself; I really appreciate all the helpful comments.
I know you guys say that it's a thankless job, but I thank you :-)
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 05:25 pm (UTC)
Re: kittylucjess
*hugs* I hope it helped. I also hope you realize you're a good writer. =) Good job!
(Anonymous)
Oct. 9th, 2010 04:21 pm (UTC)
gold
The reference to "gold" was taken from the poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost, which, in The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, is about staying young. I'm sorry if I didn't explain that very clearly.
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 05:27 pm (UTC)
Re: gold
Oh, I see. Yeah, I never would have gotten that if you hadn't told me, and I have read the book.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 9th, 2010 04:45 pm (UTC)
Two days late.
This is actully a good story, complete with an amazing sporkage. ^^

But this really stuck out at me:
"God, April, I thought you were gonna give me a heart attack," Mindy complained, taking a bite of her pizza. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

April ignored Sonya's complaints and continued setting up the game.

It was Mindy complaining, not Sonya :P
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 05:27 pm (UTC)
Re: Two days late.
Good point.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 9th, 2010 07:46 pm (UTC)
oops. Thanks for pointing that out :)
I'm trying to take my time with the next chapter, to avoid confusion.
warlock_female
Oct. 9th, 2010 08:10 pm (UTC)
I honestly can NOT stand meat on my pizza. Even though I love both pizza and meat. So :P
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 08:32 pm (UTC)
*faints*

Best pizza is a veggie lovers with pepperoni. *nod nod*
lady_dragonae
Oct. 9th, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)
I read this before you sporked it and I thought "Pssh, good luck!" since there are actually some good ideas and characters here. :D
If Author could drag herself away from first-person and break out of the Exchangelander box, that would make it even better.
It's nice to see there is some hope for the Exchange! *cheers*
maranazar
Oct. 9th, 2010 10:40 pm (UTC)
I thought the same thing when I read it; it's another reason it took so long to get out. Most of the comments are just stupid things, lol.

YAY FOR EXCHANGE HOPE!

Also, now I want pizza. D:
kokomirus
Oct. 10th, 2010 03:58 am (UTC)
YAY MARASPORK!!!11!
Totally made my day.
...that came out more pathetically than I intended. Still, SATs do that to ya.

*cough* Anyway, it's a nice change of pace to have plot and funny. Ha.
maranazar
Oct. 10th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
*glomps* HAI BIRTHDAY GIRL! <33!
kokomirus
Oct. 10th, 2010 04:03 am (UTC)
LOL. HAI. (Did you wait until midnight to post that? :P)
maranazar
Oct. 10th, 2010 04:42 am (UTC)
Lol! I did not, but it does seem my timing was perfect. =)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 10th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
kittyluvjess
I see all the comments everyone is posting for this, and it's nice for Sim Spork to say my story was decent :-)
The reason I wanted this sporked is that I know every author has room for improvement, and I know that the good folks at Sim Spork would be more truthful than anyone else I know.
Thanx, guys :-)
maranazar
Oct. 10th, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)
Re: kittyluvjess
That's a great attitude to have and you're so welcome! Your story is good. It deserves its five-star rating, in my opinion. =) I'm excited about upcoming chapters! Just, yeah...take the time to proofread and you'll be set.
( 35 comments — Leave a comment )

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