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Title: Forbidden 1.1
Author: dimondcardinal
Description: The first chapter... everything is not what it seems.

This is actually my first sporking, so please don't be too harsh if I do something wrong. While I did read the rules, sometimes I'm sort of slow on comprehending things. XD 
I'll just be sporking in bold.

I walked up to the woman at the registry desk. She glanced up at me. "Hello. Are you a late camper?" I blushed slightly at my lateness- the camp started two days ago. This just sounds awkward - like Sue's name will most likely be. I nodded. "Name?" She asked.
"Lyra Sakei." I called that! I said crisply. Can you say something crisply? It kind of makes me think of a grilled cheese sandwich or something. The secretary typed away on her old computer and then opened a file cabinent. Oh dear Jesus. Author can't even spell cabinet. She scrolled through the names before she found mine, and she handed me a packet with my cabin, schedule, and other information. "Thanks!" I smiled and walked out the door, following the map to cabin C-1. I pulled on the unlocked door to find a modern, purple living room with two couches, a flat screen TV, two bookcases, and a desk. If the room is so dang expensive-looking, why in the world does the secretary have a computer from 1994?! I headed through the door up front What? to find a pretty lavendar Really? Try lavender, Twelve colored room with four beds in it.
Three girls stoon Stoon? Didn't know you could stoon... I guess that's what all the cool kids are doing nowadays in front of me, surprised at the door opening. One had long brown hair and was stretching insert awkward pose-box pose here, one had light blonde hair, and the other had firey Author, please consult a dictionary before typing red hair. She smiled. "Are you our roommate?" She asked. No, she's a woolly mammoth that has come to eat you all.
"Yup. I'm Lyra." I said shyly and tucked a piece of sleek hair Let me guess, Sue, your hair is perfect like the rest of you? behind my ear. The blonde looked up at me. "I'm Laila." She NO. said and waved. Is there an Enter button on your keyboard? If there's not, ignore this, but I'd appreciate it IF YOU'D USE IT, AUTHOR.
The one with the chestnut-colored hair yawned and plopped down on the fluffy pink bed. "Marsielle." She UGH. nodded at the one with red hair. "And that's Isabel."
"Nice to meetya." I don't even know what to say to this. I said and grinned. These people seemed nice enough. "Aren't you guys supposed to be at lessons?"
Isabel shook her head. "Nah Can you not just say no?, they start tomorrow. The camp started two days before this. What in the world have they been doing, sitting around and eating grilled cheese sandwiches with the unnecessary secretaries? Anyways, I'm really bored, so I'm gonna show you around." So Author is implying that if Isabel wasn't bored, Sue wouldn't get a tour? Rude. Marsielle and Laila followed her out the door, and I happily followed them. I wouldn't happily follow anyone at this camp. I hope I made a good impression... I'm usually bad at that stuff.
We arrived at the gate to the pool. I looked around the lazy blue square Can a square be lazy? I wouldn't know. I hardly pay attention in my geometry class to the lounge chairs on the side. A cute boy was sitting down on one of the chaises, texting. Insert TWU LUV here. Laila noticed me looking at him. "That's Travis Emery. Don't bother, he doesn't date." Edward Cullen, anyone? She said and sighed. "We're good friends though."  As we walked to sit next to him, I got a better look at Travis... and OH MY GOD was he gorgeous. AND LYKE SO TOTALLY HAWT AND JUNK. His tan, sun-kissed skin glowed in the setting sun, and his blonde and brown hair flowed in the caressing wind. LULZ. Whut? My gold eyes Is that normal? caught with his mint green and it felt like eternity and forever, I thought eternity was forever. Lulz. Author, get a dictionary. Srsly. and I had to force myself to look away. I couldn't tell if it was cold or warmth in his eyes. Why would you even care? When I meet people, I usually don't stare longingly into their eyes and try to discern whether they're cold or warm. As we all sat down around Travis, he glanced up at me, his mint green eyes catching mine. "Are you new here? Why hasn't anyone realized that she's two days late to this camp besides the secretary? And where the heck are any supervisors? And what are they even there for?! I'm Travis." He said and let out a beautiful crooked smile that made my heart melt. Stupid Edward Cullen wannabe. I blushed a rosy red and smiled.
"Lyra. And yeah, this is my first year here." I said, slightly embarrassed at my blushing because I was blushing this dark red blush, so that made me blush, and you know... stuff. The setting sun cast a warm orangey Sounds like orgy. glow, perfect for romance. Wait, I can't think this! We just met what... five seconds ago? Exactly my thoughts, Sue.
After us all chatting for a while, it gradually darkened to night. As opposed to what, suddenly becoming dark? As we were about to leave, Travis looked up at me and rubbed his head. "Hey, uhh... I was wondering if you wanted to hang out soon?" He said, his voice silky smooth. I nodded. "Alright, meet me by the beginning of the forest behind the welcome registry in fifteen." OH, NO I DO NOT HOOK UP, UP I GO SLOW. Kelly Clarkson anyone?
"Follow me." Don't her little friends have anything to say about this dude randomly asking her to meet up with him? Travis said and grinned at me, his eyes crinkling. He grabbed my hand, pulling me along with him, Don't think there's supposed to be a comma here along a hidden dirt trail until we reached a wooden bench. Sue's getting pretty stupid, if you ask me. Someone didn't listen when their mommy's told them not to follow men with free candy. Evergreen trees surrounded us, their branches flowing in the slight wind. I have five cats. Oh, what's that? You don't care? My bad, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter. "Sit." He said and nodded at the bench. I sat down, feeling nervous. Travis sat down next to me... perhaps a little too close. Not to say I didn't like it, though. He looked into my eyes, and I recognized... coldness, and hunger. I moved over to the edge of the bench, getting nervous and scared. He looked at me again, and his eyes gradually changed to warmth. Again with the eyeball-heat. What's up with this girl? He put his arm around me, and we chatted for a while. These kids "chat" too much. Suddenly he looked around alertly, his eyes turning into green daggers. He grabbed me, and everything went black. Oh, great, Sue. I thought it was actually going to get interesting.
I am stuck. Stuck in nothing. Well darn. I was hoping for some plot-development here. Stuck in everything. What? Stuck in all the horrors and happiness of the world. Still. I cannot move. See. How fun it is. To talk in. Sentence fragments? No matter how hard I try to move, I can't. I'm stuck. I think most of your audience has realized this, Ten. I'm a puppet, and someone is holding me still. My golden eyes Again, is this even normal? focus on nothing. There are no colors, not even black, just nothing. Black isn't even a color. It's called the absence of color, Author. Or is that white? Either way, black isn't a color. It just isn't. A sickly sweet whisper reaches my ears... "Guard your heart, because we're coming..."
I suddenly awoke on the plush carpet Lulz. next to my bed. What happened? Was it another dream? But yet, it seemed so real...
I climb back into my bed, and fall asleep again- this time without dreams

Wait. I don't understand. Was that whole thing just a dream?
That's sort of pointless.
And if I woke up in the middle of my floor, I'd be sort of worried. Especially if I'd just gone out with a guy and didn't even remember what happened after he grabbed me. Sounds like a thing called, oh, date rape?

I awoke to the sound of items moving around and footsteps. I climbed out of bed to find everyone awake and getting ready for lessons. Does no one have the decency to wake up Sue? "Morning." I yawned. Isabel and Laila waved at me sleepily and looked around for their items. I hate it when I have to look around for my items! Those darn things. Laila nodded to the rack of suitcases and clothes.
"Your uniform's in here... funny, I didn't hear you come in last night." Why would Laila know where her uniform was? And when did Sue even get a uniform? I nodded and grabbed the uniform. I stumbled into the bathroom and began thinking... what happened last night? All I remember is being with Travis, then everything went dark. Again, how does she not think this is bad?! I changed into the uniform, applied my makeup, and fixed my hair.
And I'm still wondering what kind of camp this is.
After everyone was ready, we still had half an hour before we had to be in the classroom. We all sat down on the soft blue carpet I wonder if Author knows that her audience doesn't care about the description of the carpet anymore than they care about this story? and they looked at me expectantly. "What?" I asked, confused.
They glared at me. "What happened yesterday with you and Travis? Did you kiss?!" Marsielle asked and clasped her hands together. "Gimme the deets." What are you, seven?
I chucked That's nice. I chuck a lot too. and thought about what happened. "Well... he took me to this secret bench area in the forest. He had his arm around me and stuff, and we were talking, and then... I don't know, really. It feels like everything just goes blank at that moment." I said, dazing off into what happened. Awkward dialogue is awkward.
They all listened eagerly. "Strange." Murmured Isabel, with a confused look on her face. Even the characters agree with me! Why can't Sue understand this?! I shrugged, and we decided to walk to class.
So, at this mysterious camp where they do nothing, they don't get breakfast either?
The only seat left was the one next to Travis. As if you wouldn't sit beside him anyway, Sue. I sat down and glared at him. "So what happened yesterday?" I asked. He shrugged. HE'S SOOOO DREAMYY!!! D:
"What do you mean?" He asked, with a trace of an undetectable emotion in his voice. If it's undetectable, how do you sense a trace of it? Try moar words, author. I sighed.
"I know something's up. That's not normal. Everything just went black all of a sudden. I know I didn't pass out or fall asleep, because it just doesn't happen like that. I want to know what happened." She finally sees what I see! I said, making my voice strong.
"Lyra," He sighed. "Just.. meet me by the pool at six. I'll explain everything." Umm ... who would meet him anywhere after a possible date rape and grilled cheese sandwich attack? Anyone else think Sue's a little bit stupider than usual Sues? I nodded and listened to the lecture that our teacher was giving us, getting excited about what happened.
I wish the author would finally tell us what this camp is for.
I took a seat next to Travis on the cold tiled floor, still in my uniform. He looked straight ahead into the water, sighing. "I suppose you want to know what happened, huh." Umm, duh. Isn't that why she's there? I nodded. "You're not going to believe me. And what I tell you... you can't tell anyone. You have to promise me." He said, his voice shaking slightly.
I nodded. "I promise."
Travis glanced from me to the pool. "I'm sure you've heard about vampires... like Twilight! Oh dear sweet Lord of all that is Holy. I'm sure you've seen or read that. Where they're super fast and have these insane special powers..." I nodded. "Well, I'm not about to make some major confession that I'm a vampire. Because I'm not. This shocked me. But, Oh no. there are these cousins of vampires... called Sanguki. *facepalm* They don't suck blood, they don't have fangs, none of that crap. Because ancient mythology dating back to the dawn of time is now considered "crap". But they have a whole other world... it's called Sangu. I never would have guessed. And their mission is to kill, and then bathe in the blood of these creatures... STOP RAPING ELLIPSISES AND GO BACK TO RAPING TEENAGE GIRLS. called Manaikis. It made them stronger. The Manaikis, of course, tried to kill the Sanguki, but it was impossible." Am I the only one creeped out by Author's new turn on Meyerpires?
"They were defeated easily. The Sanguki were just naturally stronger. So all the remaining Manaikis decided that they would put all their strength and power into a random child Why random? I guess author just couldn't think of a good enough reason for Sue to be chosen., from twenty years later. That child is the only Manaiki who can defeat the Sanguki. No one else can." Travis looked away. "I'm a Sanguki, and you're the only remaining Manaiki in the world... you're the child." What was your first clue? He grinned. "Now it was my mission to asassinate you, and that was my plan- I was going to last night, but unfortunately... you seem to have struck me in a different way." LUV, TWU LUV. He gave a crooked smile. "And they have sent many Sanguki to try to asassinate Learn to spell. you. So you can consider me your protector, while they consider me your murderer." Suddenly he looked up. "One of them are coming now." Suddenly he embraced me in his arms and I closed my eyes. A rush of swirling wind whipped us around, and I opened them when it settled.
We were back on that bench What bench? That bench? Oh, that bench with the thing and the wood? Okay, author. in the park, and I landed on his lap. I blushed. "Why should I believe you?" I asked.
He chucked. I love chucking. It's so much fun. "I knew that question was coming. How could I get from here to there in two seconds? Am I just a human with super-speed?" That wouldn't make you a human. That would make you a super-human, oh smart one. He gave a twisted half-smile This just makes him sound demented, and looked around. "They're sending a whole team to attack, we need to hide."
He held me tight again and we landed in front of a wooden cabin near some evergreen trees. He knocked on the door, obviously waiting for someone to answer. No, really? When I knock on doors, I just barge right in. Author has just thrown common sense to the wind. The door creaked open.
Ohhhhh, scary.
A teenage girl and boy stood in front, the boy's head bowed in a flirtacious way. Lol, what? The girl's long silver hair bouncer When I read this, I just automatically picture a big, buff guy making sure no one touches this girl's hair. around her shoulders as she hugged Travis. "TRAVIS! I haven't seen you in years!" She grinned and I felt a wave of jealousy wash over me. Oh, girl. You gon' cut somebody?! I ignored it, and she looked at me. "Manaiki!" Human! Her purple eyes turned dark. I took a step back, suddenly afraid. Travis stepped protectively in front of me.
"Abby, she poses no threat to us. If you hurt her, I will have to kill you." Something tells me this guy wouldn't have the balls to kill a horse fly. He said, his eyes darkening to a forest green. Abby nodded and took a step back letting us in.
"I'm Connor, and would your name happen to be beautiful? Because it sure looks like it." I happen to like it when guys use corny pick-up lines, but this one just makes me puke in my mouth. The red-headed boy winked at me COMMA. and I blushed, feeling embarassed. Author, you spelled this right about twenty paragraphs ago. Srsly.
"Uhh, thanks? I'm Lyra." I said and glanced at Travis. Anger shone in his eyes, and he looked at Abby. I dated a guy once for about a year. I never got this jealous. You've known this guy for two days.
"Is it that obvious that she's Manaiki?" He asked doubtfully.
"You can tell by her golden eyes. Only Manaikis have them." Well, at least author explained something here.
Still wondering about what kind of camp they were at though.
She sighed.
She pulled out a pink wig and placed it on my head, GERL, YOU GETTIN A WEAVE?! then put in a pair of grey contact lenses. "It makes it look less obvious that your Manaiki." She explained, then dragged me back into the kitchen/living-room area where Connor and Travis were. "By the way, the only bed we have is a double one, so you guys are going to need to sleep in it together." One, I would sleep in the floor. Two, Sue tries to make a sexy face in this slide. And three, obvious smuttin' time is not obvious at all. Me and Travis TRAVIS AND I exchanged slightly embarrassed glances, and I nodded. "Anyways, you two should get to bed. It's pretty late."
I relaxed on top of the bed, fearful, and Travis layed down next to me. Are you retarded or something, Sue? Why are you sleeping in that bed with someone you've known for two days? He held me tight in my arms and whispered in my ear. "Don't worry, I'll always protect you." Gag.

And I still have no clue what that camp was even for.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 8th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
Mod Note
Hey, there! When you get a chance, can you please edit this and put the sporking under a LiveJournal cut? If you don't know how to do that there is a link to directions on the profile page. Thanks!
Nov. 8th, 2010 10:51 pm (UTC)
Please put this behind an LJ cut. Thanks!
And I liked your sporking. Hmm, what kind of camp was it, really? And why is Edward Cullen just chilling out there?
Nov. 8th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC)
Hi, I've added a 'sporker: nikkilily9009' tag to your post; plz to be adding this and an lj-cut to future posts, okay?
Nov. 9th, 2010 12:56 am (UTC)
Uniforms and classes? Is this a camp or a school?

I completely stopped paying attention at the Sanguki and Manaikis part. Did the author just make those names up on the spot? Giving someone a weird name doesn't make it original, and this still seems way too much like Twilight to me. It's also not a good idea to just dump a bunch of names and concepts in one paragraph when we haven't even gotten to know the characters yet - it's called an info-dump, and it's something that will make a lot of readers (including me) just give up on the story.

Why is it that this type of Mary-Sue protagonist never seems to realize they're in a vampire story? People have odd-colored eyes, the cute guy looks at you with "hunger" in his eyes - he's either a rapist or vampire, so either way, she should be running for her life, especially after he confesses that he was sent to kill her.

I really detest stories where the characters fall in "luv" (more like lust) within seconds of meeting. Even with Twilight (I'm actually speaking about Twilight favourably, good grief), the characters don't confess their love for each other right away. There's a long build-up of tension before Bella and Edward actually get together. There's not much point in reading a romantic story where there's no tension, no build-up, and also no character development before the characters fall in love.
Nov. 9th, 2010 01:19 am (UTC)
So sorry about forgetting the LJ cut, guys!
I remembered literally five seconds after I hit the "Post" button. I'll remember in the future. (:
Nov. 9th, 2010 05:51 am (UTC)
(Totally not) Vampires, they date rape!

Does the girl not have parents? Wouldn't they WORRY about her just disappearing? And I'm so glad that we got to learn about the camp school thing since we're going to spend so much time in it.
Feb. 12th, 2011 06:58 pm (UTC)
That's nice. I chuck a lot too.
God, you got me there.

I'm not sure what's going on here. This is pretty much a really high-wage camp that can afford flat screens in every cabin, and has classes?
Um, okay.
Good luck with this story, Twelve.

By the way, nice sporking. You made me laugh a lot.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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