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Everybody Loves Sue!

By popular request, here we have the next edition of "Keeping Faythe," the story with the most mangled spelling of a perfectly fine name ever! The chapters are quite lengthy, so pop some popcorn, sit back, relax, and revel in the bad.

Link: Don't wanna hear your sad songs, I don't want to feel your pain
Title: Keeping Faythe 1.2
bannanabambina She misspelled "banana." Also, what the hell does this mean? "Bambino" is Italian for "baby," so does she mean "banana baby"?
Description: "Carmen, get the Tequila."- Dylan Armstrong Unless you're referring to Tila Tequila, that word is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized.

Recap: Rebellious rich girl Faythe Meek is in love with her couch and hates her parents despite the stipend she gets from them every month for no reason. Her little sister is supah-hXc because she runs away to her sister's place, but has been feeling watched lately. No one cares until a bunch of hot kidnappers show up. Faythe is supah-brave and goes off with them in lieu of her sister, who cries herself to sleep on the pavement for she melts into Jell-O when real shit is going down. Faythe mouths off to everyone and their mother, but unfortunately does not get her brains blown out for it. Most of her kidnappers are in love with her because she's supah-hawt. She claims to be a jeans and t-shirts girl despite going out in booty shorts and stripper boots to walk her sister to school. It was really, really bad. Onward?

See how quick i forgot where my shift key was? got that out? Actually, I got it out this quick because the next will be... I'm not sure how long... I'm going back to school :( THE HUMANITY

ANYWAY! enjoy, and sign my Gb and rate high and all that jazz :) xx Only if you deserve it, which I highly doubt.

With a smirk still firm on my newly-blood-red lips, I tottered into the hallway. Wait, no introductory paragraph? We're just picking up EXACTLY where we left off? That's not annoying! The ridiculous heels I had been forced into made me feel like I was about to break my neck on the unnaturally shiny floor. Please, please, please... Wood shouldn't be shiny, it should be rough. It's the way the world works. Um, wood should not be rough indoors because then you'd get splinters. Dumbass.
Also, it made running away a lot less likely. Mabye YOU HAVE FAILED that was the point. Yeah, it's easy to forget you've been kidnapped with the insane amount of slack they cut you.
I paused, two guards up ahead of me. Romans' As in the ancient Romans collectively? Because otherwise you're doing it wrong. warning came back to me sharply and I scooted over to hide behind a plant.
No, don't be stupid. Too late.
With a deep breath I stepped back out and carried on, trying to seem calm and aloof. This picture was greatly diminished what with the silky scrap of satine FAIL they called a dress. Ah well.

As expected the two did notice me. The one with curly red hair glanced over his shoulder and grinned, his eyes flashing dangerously.
"Hello Mia." His eyes flicked over me hungrily, No. Fullstop. "You look... better."
I rolled my eyes and brushed past him, prepared to be mature and smart and not pick a fight, like I usually would with a guy of the not-armed variety. Of the what variety? It wasn't my fault he grabbed me. He wheeled me around so my back was up against the wall, his friend blocking my from dashing to the stairs, him barring all other possibilities. Yes, because there's only ONE way out. I blew a curl from my mouth and stifled a groan. I raised an eyebrow.
"Can I help you gentlemen?" I asked pleasently FAIL, thanking God that it was me not Summer here.
"I think you can." He Do not capitalize that! smirkedCOMMA drawing closer.

His hands roved my body while I choked back both a smartass comment that would just get me killed. Wow, finally realized they can and will kill you? He pressed closer, his nose in the hollow of my throat. My back hit the wall, my arms pinned to my sides, and I immediatly FAIL looked around for an escape route.
As his hands began working its way up my (nonexsistant FAILURE. Get a spell check, kthx.) skirt, I twisted my head so I could see the black haired guy.
"Wow. So what are you, his bitch?" I made my lips curl into a derisive curve, PERIOD. NOT. COMMA. "Keep watch while he has the fun? Ok TWELVES OF THE WORLD, HEAR ME! "Ok" is not actually a word! It's "OK" or "okay" and nothing else!, wellCOMMA whatever floats your boat."
The guy molesting me- now and forever christened Red I HEREBY DUB THEE RED. GO IN PEACE- froze, his hands on my upper thighs. His friend- Shaggy in my head Zoinks!- stared at me a moment, slow thoughts obviously flicking behind his eyes.
Huh. Not the brightest crayon in the box. I can totally tell you are uncomfortable with being sexually harassed and I can see Shaggy is thinking, because you've clearly mastered the art of facial overlays. Oh, wait.

"Shut up." Red growled against my skin, letting a hand fly at my face. I flinched but didn't utter a sound, throwing my own up to push him away. He shifted sideways. I looked back at Shaggy again, deciding he probably needed everything spelled out for him to grasp the concept of betrayal. Please stop accentuating how much smarter you are than everyone else. It's annoying, because you're actually really stupid.
"So now he's shutting me up, because he knows you have no balls and wants to keep you from-" Another slap. In the same place. "Owch! My spell check says this is wrong. Will you fuck off!" I kneed Red, knowing full well it wouldn't get rid of him. Shaggy still stared at me, working through the boatload of information. Don't be lazy. I had granted him.
"He's taking advantage of you." I offered, ever helpful. It clicked, I know because I saw the exact moment his lips twisted furiously, his jaw clenching... Red fisted I don't think you know what that word means. his hand...

But Shaggy flew at him with fists buns of steel, backing him against the wall. I neatly stepped out of the way as the chorus of thuds and moans behind me reached higher levels.
"Wha- She's getting away, GlenCOMMA you idiot. Get off- Owch! I-" Red's protests rang sweet in my ears and I smiled, power walking away as fast as these heels let me.
"Dumbass." I muttered, savoring victory. Small satisfactions. I carried on a little more cautiously, checking over my shoulder for Red and Shaggy every so often as I marched through endless hallways. What is this place, the labyrinth? Also, this whole scene was beyond stupid. I'm fairly certain the last chapter said the kidnappers only hold hostages for ransom, not to rape them.

A window. A grin snaked across my face and I immediatly PLEASE LEARN HOW TO SPELL THIS WORD. pressed up against it, glaring out. Why does nature make you so angry? I was in a far corner of the compount FAIL, the tall grey wall directly in front of me. Guards patrolled, glancing up at me, framed in the window, with a smirk, using way too many commas. I stepped to the side, where the couldn't see me, and felt all triumph and cheer ebb out of me. How the hell was I meant to get past the men? Even if I had perfected the art of scaling 15 foot walls in a miniskirt and heels quickly and in complete silence...
Ok. *stabs eyes with spork* Shut up brain. Not helping.
I carried on, slower, defeat trying to wash over me. A gorgeous smell envoloped FAIL me and I followed it, my mouth watering and stomach punching me in the ribs. Ow. What does your stomach have against your ribs? Food. I want food. Like, right now.

I pushed open a door and peered in, fully prepared to slam it shut. To my relief it was a kitchen, steely and shiny with loads of complicated looking gadgets.
"Fuck! I'm working, I'm working..." A guy with sandy blond hair leapt to his feet and jumped around like a demented rabbit I feel like I need my Holy Hand Grenade. for a moment before Carmen, who was sat on a metallic fold out chair, whacked him on the arm. He spun around. "What-oh... hey. Your MOM IS not Boss." He smiled ruefully and plonked back down in the chair he had evidently just vacated.
"Hey, Mia." Carmen grinned, leaning back against the cooker like a languid cat. I smiled back and glanced at the guy in guards uniform warily. Why are both of the girls wearing the same outfit? Lazy.
"I'm Dylan, the chef." Dylan grinned, gesturing at the kitchen, "Carmen's on duty to help me today. And by help I think we all know I mean sit around and do nothing." Guess they're ordering pizza tonight.

I grinned and walked further in. Dylan and Carmen both scanned my face, worry pinching their brows. They had noticed they had attached the oven mitts over the phone.
Aw. They cared.
"You look like you could do with alcohol." Carmen stated calmly. I sighed and leaned against a granite counter.
"Food... I havn't eaten since yesturday breakfast and that was a handful of cornflakes... unless someone fed me while I was unconcious in the truck." SO. MUCH. FAIL. My voice was wry, hands clamped around my growling navel. Growling? Wow. I wish my navel was that talented.
"Well, mac n' cheese it is." Dylan blew around the kitchen like a tame tornado SIMILES: UR DOIN IT RONG I, grabbing ingrediants and utencils like magic. He immediatly started mixing and chopping and I fell against the counter again gratefully, bamging my hip in the process. OMG THE FAIL, IT BURNS MY EYEBALLS!

"Who nicked you?" Carmen asked randomly, curiosity tinting her blue-green eyes. My greenish-brown eyes are tinted with "WTF" right now.
"Roman." I replied, gritting my teeth at the thought of that Irish talking bastard. But Roman's ~in lub~ with you. DUH-RAMA Her eyebrows raised.
"I mean, who physically grabbed you." She NO STOP NO GOD WHY asked, disbelief on her face.
"Yeah Roman. I think I gave him bruises." A smile bloomed on my face at the thought.
"Huh. That's new. Usually he just drives. That means you're his." LOLWHUT. It's like dog rules? Whoever rubs up against it first owns it? Not gonna lie, that's really messed up. She *smites* spoke matter-of-factly, like she made this kind of declaration daily. She did for all I knew.
"What? What? I'm not anyoneAPOSTROPHEs." I hiss RANDOM TENSE CHANGE!, feeling indignation rise in me. And yet, pretty soon they'll be fucking like bunnies. Sad, isn't it.

"Well, of course not. Just like I don't actually belong to Jay, who's Boss's son by the way. But in the eyes of the guards and the Boss, he who snatched her, keeps her. Or her body at least." This is really fucked up. Carmen looked at me almost pityingly. She saw the horror and panic in me and immediatly FAILTY-FAIL-FAIL redeemed herself, "Don't worry, Roman's nice enough. Respectful. He never grabbed me or anything." She looked so worried I swallowed my trepedation FAIL, lifting a cool hand to calm my hot cheeks.
"Ok. GOD WHY Whatever. I can look after myself. I didn't realise Jay was Boss's son." My voice broke, and I went over to where Dylan was stirring pasta on the stove.
"What happens? What do we do? Apparently me wandering around isn't usual." I grimaced at the thought of Red's hands on me.
"No, we have a rota, duties y'know. Boss is sociable too, so there's dances, picnics and whatnot and we're waitresses."
And none of them say "OMG HELP WE'RE BEING HELD AGAINST OUR WILL" to the partygoers? WHAT.

Without taking my eyes off the creamy magic Dylan was creating BAHAHAHAHA THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID I raised an eyebrow.
"Other people? Is Boss stupid?" A new plan began forming in my mind. Mabye LEARN TO SPELL THIS TOO I could find someone who wanted to help, to sneak me away in their car so I could get the police and come back for Carmen and Lily and Delilah and-
"If you tell anyone anything you get shot. Most of the guests are human traffickers and drug dealers anyway." Lovely. Carmen's bitter voice broke off my internal planning.
Dylan lifted the pasta off the hob and glanced at Carmen. "Can you get a bottle of tequila from the cellar."
Carmen dissapeared into an ajoining DOUBLE FAIL room, and came back with a nondescript bottle. She poured a generous measure into a blue glass and handed to me without having to be told. This is sad. Even the "nice" guys treat the women like crap.

I gulped at it like it was water, taking the warm fuzzy feeling with relief. It took the edge off my hunger so I could concentrate on something other that the yellow creamy sauce creating warm puddles in the soft pillows of pasta... Is this like a food porno?

I sighed and put the glass down, trying to ignore the yearning for more.
No, NOT becoming alcoholic. That would be so inconvenient. Lyke, I know rite? SEW INCONVENIENT~~~~*
"Here you are, Mia." Dylan poured the contents of the pan into bowl and handed it over. I loaded a spoonful and scarfed it down without waiting for it to cool.
"OW! Motherf-"
"Language, Mia."
I smiled apologetically and tentativey FAIL took another bite, supressing FAIL a moan. Again I ask of you: is this a food porno?
"Dylan, you are a god. This is manna from heaven and I bow at your feet." I gurgled happily, licking cream from my lip. *snickers like a twelve* He laughed and sank back into his seat.
"Well, if the way to a girlAPOSTROPHEs heart is pasta, I should make it more often."
I ignored their laughs and concentrated on my food, shoveling mouthfuls without thinking.
"Amelia Bloom. Wherever the hell you've disapeared FAIL off to, I want you in my office in sixty seconds." LOLOLOL  The overhead speaker crackled into life, bringing the dry voice of Boss. I kind of want a PA system in my house. Boss made me realize how convenient it would be!
"Crap." I desperatly FAIL stared down at the pasta but Dylan pushed me.

I did run. Damn right you did. Or... I kind of ran. In fact, I really didn't. Running has never been a forte of mine, and I learned long ago to walk through everything meant for running- including races. This was no exception really, so I power walked through the house, looking around bemused. You're stupid and as lazy as your creator.
"Where the hell is the freaking office." That was a question. Use a question mark. I muttered every so often, accompanied by a curse. Eventually I recognised the plant I tried to hide behind and back track. I cracked a door open and see books.
"Hi... Boss." I grumble resentfully. He looks up and smiles pleasently and he also changed the tense and misspelled "pleasant", with a hint of challenge and expectation in his eyes.
"Mia. How are you doing so far? Black hair suits you." His voice was muted, cheerful.
"Just peachy, I could sing to the freaking rooftops." Damn I forgot about the black hair.

"I wanted to speak to you about an event coming up. The other girls know about it but seeing as you're new..." He waved a hand vaguely, "You should know you'll be working, but if you mention anything illicit, you won't know what hit you. Understand?" I squash down a growl. Understand, was that the only word he knew? Well, you're kind of his bitch at the moment. Also, you're stupid.
"Yes I understand. I am English, I speak English, you don't have to ask me every sentence whether I understand. Although I assume the thing that hit me is of the bullet variety." I try to seem relaxed like I'm not ready to scream, even perching on the edge of the desk, flicking the laptop.
"Your assumption was correct." His eyes zinged to my left cheek. "What is that?"
I touch a fingertip to it and flince You did what now?, swearing at Red with every word in my vocabulary.
Silently, of course.
"Had a little run in with a guard. He seemed to think he'd lost something up my skirt."
To my surprise Boss looked angry. Again, huh. Yeah, I didn't think he was into his hostages getting raped. I wouldn't; I'm trying to run a respectable kidnapping ring, damnit!

"Which was it? What did he look like?" He NO practically snarled. I swallowed my surprise.
"Red hair. Kind of a wimp." Boss stared at the leather book in front of him as though it held the answers to the universe ingrained in it. It probably did. Maybe he's God. Abruptly he flicked a radio mic on his desk.
"All guards. Amelia Bloom is not to be harmed, or touched. Consequences will be severe." His voice echoed behind me, all over the house. I raised my eyebrows. I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why only her? Why are they all under her Sueish spell?
"Ah, you're making me all sentimental, Boss. Knock it off before I get weepy." I smirked, tapping a finger against my bare leg.
A smile quirked his lips. "You remind me of someone. I would like to make your stay here as comfortable as possible." He sounded as surprised with himself as I was with him. WHAT THE FUCK.
"WellCOMMA that's an interesting turn of events, That would be better as a semicolon. what does this entail?"
"We'll see." He tapped the mic again, "Somone better get us a fucking spell check, this is stupid. Also, someone come to my office right now."

The door opened immediatly PLEASE LEARN HOW TO SPELL THIS. and I turned to see who had come.
"Kio!" I grinned, surprised. He winked at me before standing attention.
"Take Amelia to her room." Boss said in a much more controlled voice. I immediately staggered forwards and grabbed Kio's arm.
"Night, Boss." I called over my shoulder.
"Amelia." He nodded. When the door closed I sagged with relief. I don't sag when I'm relieved, tbh.

"What did he want?" Kio grinned, linking an arm through mine, taking in my new look with no comment. He doesn't care about your life.
"Just to tell me that he wants me to be happy here, and he won't hesitate to shoot me." I shook my head, "just your average kidnapper-kidnapee talk." Kio snorted.
We walked in silence, Kio unlocking the door with a cheerful nod.
"Night, Kio." I walked in and waited for that infernal click of the lock.

Lily flung herself into my arms, her red hair tickling me. God, I wish my hair was talented enough to tickle people.
"I was so worried! Are you ok SWEET NEON BABY JESUS!? Did anyone hurt you?" She PLEASE STOP. babbled, hanging on to me for dear life. I hugged her back, pleased but surprised and nodded.
"I'm fine, honestly. People tried it on Tried it on what? but I kicked their asses. Of course you did. What time is it?" I realised I had no clue.
"About 7ish. SPELL OUT NUMBERS! It looks way more professional and less stupid. Why, are you tired?" Her blue eyes scanned me fretfully. I giggled and pushed her off, my eyes shuttering from sudden exhastion. A yawn stretched my mouth and I blinked.
"Uh.. yeah." I staggered to my bed and pulled off the dress thing. I crawled under the covers and relaxed. Seriously, why are they all in matching outfits?

It was freezing. Honestly. Did these people never hear of radiators? YOU ARE A HOSTAGE.
I wrapped myself tighter in the blanket, before regretting it when I felt the tickle of a spider against my hip. Ew. I loosened it again, and shivered. The matress FAIL. had springs the stuck up at me, but instead of endering WHAT?! like my sofa at home, I just knew I would have mottled bruises on me in the morning. The pillow, too, was more like a floppy piece of felt, something wriggling in it... I supressed a scream... and before I could shake out the blankets and ditch the pillow, I was asleep. Okay then.

The next week or so past in a blur. Carmen wasn't kidding when she said we'd be working- I haven't been so tired in my life. Maybe because you're a spoiled rich girl who has likely never lifted so much as her pinkie finger? I scrubbed, polished, tidied, pruned, and on top of that had to defend myself against fully grown men every ten minutes. Bruises from these run ins ran along my ribs and chest, back and upper legs, burning whenever I had to bend or climb to reach the tops of cupboards. I thought Boss said no one can touch her? We were fed two times a day, sandwiches or salads usually, and woken every day at seven. In between the manual labour, I managed to keep up a steady stream of insults and confidence to hurl at Boss, much to his amusment, and ignore Roman completly FAIL.
EverySPACEday the ache for Summer and home made me want to cry. BAWWWW I even missed my mother I'm sure you do now, bitch., much as that shocked me. For someone who I hadn't been able to stand my whole life, regret slammed into me everySPACEtime I though of her.
I had to get out of here. Right now. NO SHIT SHERLOCK

The only bright spots of my new life were the spare moments spent in the dressing room with Annie, drinking hot chocolate and devouring ice cream, talking and laughing like nothing was wrong. Why the hell is Annie here anyway? Either she's a captive or a kidnapper. She's definitely not a captive, making her a captor, meaning she's very far from a good person. She turned out to be bright and clever, giving me tips on how to maintain my icy exterior, and self defense moves. I swear that woman works muscles I don't even posess. FAIL. Also, that sounds weird. The other was when I was on kitchen duty with Dylan, who made me laugh until my stomach heaved, and on the off chance we actually cooked, he always made sure there was extra for me to scoff on. I don't think you know what "scoff" means. Derp.
Can you blame a girl for being hungry? No. But that's the least of your problems.

The day of the big don't-say-anything-or-you-die party brought with it a whirlwind of chores, making everyone tense and stressed. Also, everyone showed up in the same dress! OMG!!!1 Of course, being good little girls, Carmen, Lily, Delilah and I set up the tables and awnings. Carmen, in a fit of inspiration, went around the substantial garden collecting leaves and flowers and arranged them in a pedestal vase.
"That's really quite impressive." I raised my eyebrows as I took in the creations, dipping frothy vegetation with pert blooms waving in the breeze. What?! the CAPITALIZE THE BEGINNINGS OF SENTENCES two sat at two corners of the open dining area, in front of the 'fortress.'
"Thanks." She grinned, hands on hips as she looked it over critically. I grabbed a basket of flowers Lily had painstakenly FAILED plucked from their stems last evening and scattered them around randomly, enjoying the breeze as it rustled the petals.
"You're doing it wrong." Lily smiled, snatching it and placing them with more care. Sue can't do anything right.

I grinned and gasped dramatically. Everyone turned and stared at me.
"Wait...You whores! You all stole my dress ideas!" I held up a finger and stared with my eyes wide open, as though the meaning of life was on the tip of my tongue. Lily looked scared. I dropped to my knees and moved one of the fragrant pink flowers an inch to the left.
"There. Much better." I giggled, flicking my hair. Wow, you're both stupid AND unfunny. Carmen broke down laughing, Delilah turning back to the flowers. Lily swatted at my head.
"That wasn't funny." She STOP snorted, dumping the rest of the flowers with less ceremony.

"Mia." A smooth male voice spoke behind me. I froze, getting to my feet. Jay flicked his eyes over me like he usually did, pausing on my chest and legs. This dude looks like Skeletor. "My father told me to send for you, to go to Annie Calloway." A cruel smirk twisted his lips. "Let me escort you." "Escort" as in "escort service," I'm guessing.
I shuddered with revulsion at the meaning behind the words and shook my head.
"That won't be necessary, thank you Geeves." GEEVES?! OH MY GOD. JEEVES, MAYBE?! HERP A DERP I waved my hand like he was an irritating butler and tried to ignore CarmenAPOSTROPHE!s snort next to me.
"Come on." Jay waited, his hand twitching to the gun strapped to his belt. I sighed and walked towards the front door, as far from him as I could get.
Honestly. No sense of humour. Shut up.

Roman appeared out of nowhere.
"I'll take her." He held my wrist and started walking, ignoring Jays protests. "GUYS HOW COME I DON'T GET AN APOSTROPHE?!!! D':" The moment we were out of sight I yanked my arm back and walked ahead of him.
"Faythe." He sighed, "Your sister's fine. I checked up on her, a little sad, but fine." Wait, WHAT? How do you "check up on" a girl you tried to kidnap? Surely she screamed "HOLY SHIT IT'S THE GUY WHO ALMOST KIDNAPPED ME!" and called 911, unless she's still an ineffective lump of blubbering jelly on the sidewalk.
I turned and stared at him. "Really? She's ok OH GOD WHYYYY?"
"Yeah, misses her sis- cousin." He grinned and shook his head, "I really shouldn't go along with your story."
"I think you should, personally."
"Well you would, what with your life depending on it. I'll leave you alone, wouldn't want to cramp your style." He winked and turned into another room.
I carried on walking, surprise evidently my everyday companion. Wait, WHAT?

"Mia!" Annie greeted me with her usual hug and sat me down. "Now what shall we do with you? What do you want to wear?" Preferably something that's not glitching, resulting in that maroon square riiiiiiiight there.
I looked at her blankly, "Uh.. I thought I had to wear my uniform?" I knew they had a uniform! It's just like my school, except I get to leave at 3:00 and don't get raped all day.
"No one's told you? You'll be eating as a guest today." WHAT WHY I stared at her in shock.
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, the Boss said that he wanted you to pretend to be his neice." First of all, FAIL. Second of all, WHAT WHY. She smiled, "I'll fill you in."
She twisted my hair into a plait, thick and heavy on my shoulder.
"Your name is Amelia Saunders, instead of Amelia Bloom. Your parents are Kathy and Simon, but they both recently died so you came to stay with your uncle." I snorted and watched as she deftly curled a few streaks in front of my eyes.

"You went to Hengrove school, in Damerham village. That should probably be "Hengrove School" and "Damerham Village," because I'm assuming, as they're places and proper nouns. You can invent your own house, and details and such. You're eighteen. Your parents died in a car crash, on their way back from a party you stayed home for... Are you ok STOP PLEASE JUST LET ME GO ALEJANDRO?" She tailed I think you mean "trailed off," honey. off as I shook with giggles. I was learning a fake identity to cover my other fake identity, to cover my actual identity. How did this happen in a week? I'm like a secret agent... I should get fishnets and combat boots and a gun...Um, no. You're a captive being forced to pretend to be a kidnapper's niece and expected to play nice with human traffickers over brunch. Not exactly the same.
"Fine, fine sorry." I grinned, and, reassured she gave my hair one last pat and contined to my make up.
"He told me that you should be how you are, bright and sarcastic, but be polite. Get people to like you." She smoothed lipstick onto my mouth.
"I don't want Boss's friends to like me. Drug dealers and pimps."
"Just be good." She smiled, FULLSTOP NOT A FUCKING COMMA! "Friends can be useful."

She wandered off, rummaging through piles of clothes dotted around the room.
"Too revealing... too girly... too black... oooh this is nice." How isn't that both "too revealing" and "too girly"? She turned and handed me a blue dress. I pulled off my uniform and slipped it on, turning to face the mirror.
"Wow, this is actually really nice," I twisted, watching it through thoughful FAIL eyes.
"It should be, it's Versace." I really don't understand this place. If they're so rich that they can afford random dresses by big-name designers, why do they keep kidnapping daughters of rich families? She pulled out a pair of red sandles WOW REALLY? FAIL. and handed them over.
"Annie...? Oh, Mia! You look gorgeous." Lily entered, her eyes surprised as she took in my outfit.
"Yes, well, apparently I'm Boss's niece for the day." I rolled my eyes and made myself comfortable on the velvety sofa.

"What do you mean?" She asked, settling into the dressing table. Annie began teasing hair "Nah nah nah boo boo, you're super-greasy!" while Lily applied mascara.
"She's a guest, Amelia Saunders." Annie offered, fiddling with a silver clip. Lily grinned,
"Really? Carmen said Boss liked you." Of course he does. She smacked lipgloss onto her lips HER LIP GLOSS BE POPPIN', HER LIP GLOSS BE COO', but to my amazment FAIL. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, GET A SPELL CHECK! made no move to cover her scratches.
"He doesn't like me. He... finds me amusing." I frowned, flicking a wayward thread from my bare leg. Wear pants, slutbag.
"Well, whatever." Lily yelped as Annie pulled her hair. I guess the teasing exploded into a full-on catfight.
"Aren't you going to cover the cuts?" Curiosity killed the cat, I know, but still... STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL.
"No, he likes other people to think he's Boss of us." I know his name is "Boss" but that shouldn't be capitalized in that instance. It's like saying "He's the Bob of us." because you're using his name as an adjective. Lily rolled her eyes as she underlined them with black. Her transformation into a rabid, cut-up raccoon was almost complete.

"Hey, looks like we're missing the party." Carmen grin glittered So many things are wrong about those three words. as she danced into the room, Delilah following. Lily got to her feet and sat beside me, her newly shiny hair glimmering under the soft light. Carmen dropped into Lily's vacated seat and waited while Annie combed out her hair.
"Nice togs, Mia." She NO. eventually called. I looked up to find CarmenAPOSTROPHEs face in the mirror. And Delilah glaring at me. Also our author really liked sentence fragments. Like this. And that. Also this.
I almost yelped, the look on her face was so murderous. She looked like she was imagining various ways to kill me. Believe me, honey, I sure as hell am.
"Delilah, do your hair." Annie called firmly. She turned away. I sighed in relief. ~DRAMAZ~

Carmen, her pixie hair flattened and make up on, jumped over sketches What? and made herself comfortable.
"Girls, this is Amelia Saunders." Annie grinned, gesturing for me. I bowed and giggled.
"This will be interesting." I doubt it. This story is grossly under-stimulating.
Thanks for reading! Sign my GB, so I know if you people want the next chapter :) xx Suggestions: Go to third grade and learn basic vocabulary. Secondly, force your plots to make sense; whipping may be necessary. 

*stabs eyes out with spork* I find it oddly appropriate that "Disturbia" started playing on my shuffle just now.




( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 18th, 2010 04:47 pm (UTC)



What is this, I don't even...

Wow. Just wow. I don't even know what to say about it. LOL. I was laughing all the way through, though - your comments were hilarious, Juney!
Sep. 19th, 2010 06:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Kelsey! I did the best I could with it, tbh. xD
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 19th, 2010 07:06 pm (UTC)
I don't blame you at all. It's mind-numbing. Dx
Haha, I'll let you know!
Sep. 18th, 2010 08:31 pm (UTC)
You missed a little bit after the start of the food porn:

I took another sip.
"Will they actually shoot you?" A little fear curled in my abdominon.
"Well they don't really want to, they'll just hurt us. You saw Lily, right? She refused to sleep with one of the guards and its within their right to hit her. The cut on her chin was from a vase being thrown at her. I got this," She tapped her cheek, "From James's fingernails."
I frowned. Right. Ok.
"I'm kind of speechless." I admitted, glugging on my vodka until the glass was empty. I held it out to be refilled but she shook her head cheerfully.
"You need your wits about you, Mia."

Tequila =/= vodka! Not by a long shot! So it must be ~magic~ that turned the tequila into vodka. SIIIIGH. Please, twelves, if you're going to have your characters drink alcohol at least understand the differences between the different kinds. TEQUILA IS NOT THE SAME THING AS VODKA.

At least, I sure as hell hope that the bartenders aren't putting tequila in my screwdrivers. :| I would sue (okay, not really, but I would be angry and disgusted. (Screwdrivers are made out of vodka and orange juice, and they are NUMMMY)).
Sep. 18th, 2010 09:27 pm (UTC)
And now that I've finished, I'm pretty sure I'm going to need one (or more) of those screwdrivers I was talking about.

This is just so bad, but at least your comments actually make it interesting and worth reading!
Sep. 19th, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
I remember sporking that, so the coding must have eaten it when I switched from HTML to Rich Text. :\ I remember noticing the Magical Changing Alcohol.
You have those screwdrivers, Jules, and you enjoy them. *nod*
Sep. 18th, 2010 11:04 pm (UTC)
Bambina is used in Italy to refer to a baby girl, or a daughter, granddaughter etc. It's basically just a female version of bambino. Just clearing that up :)
Sep. 19th, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC)
I know; I've taken Italian all of high school, though admittedly I haven't picked up much. Thanks, though. Still don't get why she wouldn't just make the whole thing Italian, unless there is no word for "banana," which would surprise me...
Sep. 19th, 2010 08:26 pm (UTC)
Don't blame you for not picking up much. Haha, my granddad's been trying to teach it me all my life, and I don't know much. xD
Banana in Italian IS banana. I guess her username is just a spelling mistake or something.
Sep. 18th, 2010 11:27 pm (UTC)
Red fisted I don't think you know what that word means. his hand...


I actually want to spork the next chapter. I love seeing this story get ripped apart. It has to have one of the most-WTF plots I've seen on the Exchange.
Sep. 19th, 2010 07:11 pm (UTC)
LOL! I was so relieved to find we had a tag related to Urban Dictionary.
It's a twisted sense of justice, somehow, isn't it? xD
Sep. 22nd, 2010 08:24 pm (UTC)
Could I spork the next chapter, please?
Sep. 28th, 2010 01:37 am (UTC)
Sorry for the late reply. Absolutely! Go on ahead, I'd love to see what you make of it. :D
Sep. 19th, 2010 01:56 am (UTC)
I was dealing fine with the crappy similes and the ridiculous ~snark until I reached this line:

That won't be necessary, thank you Geeves


P.G. Wodehouse is rolling in his grave right now, and I'm betting that Hugh Laurie and/or Stephen Fry would want to gauge their eyes out with rusty sporks.


Loved your comments, though, as per usual. :) If it had just been me and the original text, I would have exited my browser and left for mocha. Lots and lots of mocha.
Sep. 19th, 2010 02:17 am (UTC)
OH, okay, I have a really, really, really (x infinity really) random request that just came to mind.

^Leah, our mascot. Would she happen be up for download anywhere? I have a born-in-game Sim who rolled a brown hair turn-on, and he's a similar sort of no-nonsense mean in my mind. So sue me: I'm a tiny bit, um, "curious". :)
Sep. 19th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
I know, right? "Geeves"? For real, Exchangelets?
Yum, mocha! That would perk you up after this horrid snoozefest.
As for Leah, I'd be happy to upload her for you and Sporkers everywhere. I'll have a post up with download links and stats later today. I'd love to see how she behaves in your game! :D
Sep. 20th, 2010 09:51 pm (UTC)
Oh man, this is so awful I'm loving it. Not the story but your sporking. Amazing!

When I started reading this, I thought that maybe if she dumped some of the ~purple out of her vocab and worked with less cliches, she'd actually have a pretty alright writing style.
But the end of it, I'm not sure if I still stand by that idea.
Oct. 10th, 2010 10:37 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure I should be offended that you ripped apart my story, but I actually found this pretty hilarious :) Fair enough on all of it, but I found this one especially funny:

To my surprise Boss looked angry. Again, huh. Yeah, I didn't think he was into his hostages getting raped. I wouldn't; I'm trying to run a respectable kidnapping ring, damnit!

Oh wells I don't really mind if everyone likes it, just as long as some people do :) Feel free to do the same with the other chapters, I surprisingly kind of enjoyed this.

(P.S. I made my account when the sims 2 first came out, now I'm 16. I couldn't spell banana, but I'm Italian, I can't spell in english.)
Oct. 10th, 2010 10:55 am (UTC)
Re: ahahaha
And also, I cleared out my sim page and am using your spork to make it... better...


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