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So there I was, just casually browsing the Exchange out of boredom with no real intension of finding a story to spork, and I came across this beauty. Well really, I couldn't just sit by and do nothing, could I? I ask you.
Today, my sporking will be bolded and algae green.

Link: Life's like a jump rope.
Title: Darkness 1.1
Author: sims2rox481
Description: The first chapter of Darkness!(also the longest amount of pages I've done yet! 30!) *slow clap*

HEY! Welcome to my new story Darkness Inspired and totally un-clicheful name right there. Yessir. All other stories are Cancelled You named all your other stories Cancelled? Lazy! Oh, wait, do you mean they're actually cancelled? My mistake. Remedy(on the cover) *spittake* What? Remedy? Seriously? We haven't even got off the title page and Suey McSueface is condemned by abject Sueiness. was made by KittyBlove, same as many of the sims in this story. This chapter only has some of the characters. The rest will be introduced in 1.2. You mean you don't introduce all your characters in the first chapter? OUTRAGEOUS! Hope you enjoy!
3 pages edited.

WARNING- Darkness has themes appropriate to a teenage audience. Some kids may want to leave now. Some teenagers may also want to leave now. You have been warned. Don't say I didn't warn you. Have you been warned sufficiently yet? Well, I warned you.


~Remedy's POV~(every chapter will start in her POV unless otherwise stated) Jesus on a pogostick.

As i stared into the empty space that was my room, shivers went down my elegant spine HOLYFUCKWHAT?! My elegant spine?! Who the fuck thinks of their Goddamn backbone as being elegant?!. This would be the last time i saw this place. Even though it was only Texas to California, it felt like moving from London to Beijing That's like, sew much further, gaise. It's even like, across oceans. And stuff. It felt like I'd lived here all my life, but i'd only lived here since i was 10. ...Then you haven't lived there your whole life. Shut the hell up. Now i was 17, soon 18. I'm srsly interested. Also, spell out them numbers, yo. But mum said the new house was bigger, so that was an up-side. ~YAY BIG HOUSE.

My sister, Dallie(EpicFailure) I agree! Hang on. Is that the username of the person who made the Sim? Credits usually go at the end, honey, not during the story. yelled up the stairs.
"Remedy! Come on! You're so slow!" she screached, nearly deafening me. ~Ultrasonic sister is fucking ~ultrasonic!
"COMING!!!!!!!" I screamed back down the stairs, then walked down. The awkwardness, it kills me.

When I got down the stairs, Dallie said 'Good Moring' like this.
"How can you wear that crap!?" Oh my God on a biscuit. I had to read these two lines like five times over to figure out what Author was trying to say.
I was wearing a red and black striped undershirt that extended to the bottom of my palm, and over it i was wearing a brown and red jacket. I was also wearing faded, ripped denim shorts and black sneakers with white lace. Black sneakers and white lace! Are you taking this shit down?! YOU SHOULD BE! THIS IS VITAL INFORMATION WE ~TOTES CAN'T GET FROM THE PICTURE! PLUS, IT'S SO RELEVANT TO THE PLOT LIKE OMG~!
"It's not like you're a fashion goddess either." No shit. Those turquoise shorts make me want to punch a panda bear. That's how horrible they are. I spat in her face. Gross.
"Whatever, sis," she finished and ran for the front seat.
"Goodbye, house." I said softly and walked out the door.
"Catch ya later, Suey. Don't hurry back!" the house replied. I would miss it so much; we always had the best conversations.

Mum(me) FUCK THAT BOTHERS ME. got the car out and drove onto the road. There's a novel idea! Driving on the road, huh? Who'd have thought?

About 2 hours later, she had a phonecall. She had also forgotten her hands free set. She picked up the phone, and that distracted her from driving. She completely lost control of the car. Dumbshit!mother cannot handle more than one basic motor function at a time. While cellphone use while driving is a real problem, this was just written so horribly I can't even-argharghargh.

The car steered towards a lamp post. ...I'm totally thinking of that Doctor Who episode with the evil GPS systems. Y/Y? Mum dropped the phone onto the accellerator by mistake. LOLOLWTF. WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.
"JUMP! NOW!" she screamed to us. Because you totally have enough time to undo your seatbelt, open the door and jump out when the car is careening for a lamp post. Yes'm.
We jumped out. When i hit the ground, my vision lost focus. It became distracted by a shiny object a few feet away. It was a spork. Unfortunately, when I crawled forward for a closer look, I accidentally stabbed myself in the spleen with it. What a shame I inherited the incompetency gene from my darling mother. However, Dallie's didn't. She had seen sporks before and was therefore uninterested.

When my vision re-focused, i wished it hadn't. Poor bb.
There, right in a pole, was our car, bashed, battered, crushed. Our happy little people-moving van had morphed into that hunk of shit you get from FreeTime! How did that even happen?
And in the middle of the reckage was Mum. Maybe she would have been saved if she hadn't dropped her cellphone on the accelerator...

~Dallie's POV~ FUUUUUU~

I was already at the car, pulling Mum out. Finally, my useless sister Remedy helped me pull her out. We laid her on the grass. I held her colour-fading hand. Dammit, I knew we should have bought the colour-fast model.
"MUM! Please wake up! Please be OK!" my sister was screaming. She's only 3 years older than me, yet was acting like a 6 year old. But I'm soon to be 15. Urgh, this whiplash-inducing POV change shit is confusing the hell out of me.
"Remedy...Dallie...I love you..." Mum managed to say, before coughing badly and dying. Oh no, she coughed badly! And died! Whatevs!
Mum had died in our hands like that baby bird we saved from the cat last week. We kept it in a shoebox and named it Fred. Nature's such a bitch.

(end of Prologue) But wait, there's more! It just keeps going, folks. Chapter 1.1 is tacked on the end of the prologue.

~Jade's (vpgirl1) POV~ Oh my God.

"Can't catch me!" I screamed behind me to Jake. Suddenly I stopped, for a heart-breaking sight met my pretty eyes. I should sue these Authors for grevious bodily harm for the concussions I get from head-desking so much.

(Jake was made by KittyBlove, I think) Okay. Listen sunshine, I really don't give a crap. By all means, give creators credit at the end of your story, but this is just fucking annoying.

~Remedy's POV~ GTFO. Also, set-fail much? And what's going on in the top left-hand corner there? It seems to be a random Sim pen. IDEK.

I saw two little kids I know. I can see them in the picture, and counting to two is not beyond my ability, one boy and one girl Give the girl a cookie!, run up to me. The girl had short, raven hair with a fringe that covered one eye. WHYYY MUST YOU DO THIS? Oddly, she had purple eyes, HAXX. and i knew the difference between a real eye and contacts. Real eyes are like, real and stuff, and contacts are like, these things you put on your eyes so they like, go funny colours. Teehee, I'm smort! She had really nice skin that shone in the morning sun. DANGEROUSLY SHINY SKIN ALERT! WARNING! WARNING! She was wearing a white top with black ribbon weaving up it, ripped, greyish green jeans, and black sneakers like mine.

The boy had light hazelnut brown hair that was sort-of long, but i found it cute. Like my sister Dallie, he had orange eyes as well. WTFWHY. He had a light grey undershirt, and he wore a denim jacket with short sleeves. He was also wearing white, baggy jeans and black shoes. ENOUGH WITH THE DESCRIPTIONS OF CLOTHING. PLEASE. I'M GETTING MY IMMORTAL FLASHBACKS.

~Jade's POV~ Crispy God on a cream cracker. Knock it off!

"Is everything all right?" I asked her.
"No! My mum has just died!"
she screamed back, and tears clouded her green eyes. Sometimes, physical descriptions can enhance and improve a story. This is not one of those times.
"Look...I'm sorry." LOL SORRY UR MUM'S DED.
"But there's nothing to be sorry about! You didn't cause the crash! Anyways, my name is Remedy, and my sister Dallie is over here." THE FUCK. HER MUM LITERALLY JUST DIED AND SHE'S LIKE "IT'S OKAY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! HAI, I HAVE A HXC NAME!" I'D BE BAWLING MY EYES OUT IF MY MUM DIED IN MY ARMS. WTFWTFARGH.
"Jade. Nice to meet you, random recently-bereaved stranger. This is Jake."
"Hi." Jake said friendly. That...makes no grammatical sense. At all.
"Do you want to come to our place?" I asked Remedy. WHUT.

"You have a house?" asked Dallie. "I thought you were wild street children, living by yourselves on this vast expanse of lawn! Silly me."
"Yes! Well, actually, it's Saranne and Aiden's. But we live with them." I replied.
"If they're OK with it, then we are!" Remedy finished, and we all walked to the house. "That's just dandy! Shall we leave our mother here on the pavement? I'm sure some ambulancey type persons will come and pick her up eventually. Hey, do you have candy and pizza at your house?"
"We sure do! Candy and pizza for everyone!" Jake said cheerful.
"Yaaay!" cheered ridiculously-named-Sue. "Wait, didn't something extremely tragic and life-changing just happen?"
"Candy and pizza! Candy and pizza!" chanted co-Sue.
"Eh, guess not."

Soon, we all reached the house. I recognise those two. They're the ones who were stuck in the Sim pen! Nice, Author. Vair nice. Also, random house much?

I walked up to Aiden and Saranne and talked them into letting them stay. Wow, that was easy. "Hey, can these two total strangers stay in our house for a while? Their mum just died in a tragic accident where she dropped her cellphone on the accelerator. So, how about it?"

(Both Aiden and Saranne were made by KittyBlove, but i put different clothes on Aiden) GRRARGH.

~Saranne's POV~ *cries like a jibbering idiot*

I looked over at the two girls. I decided to confront them myself, rather than let Jade do it. ~Badass.

I walked up to the taller, older girl.
"I'm Saranne." I said sweetly. ORLY.
"I'm Remedy, and this is Dallie." She replied, and pointed at Dallie. I was stunned on the inside, but I didn't want to tell them. Stunned by what? The ~tragedy of the situation? The ~lunacy of the situation? Sue's ~bootifulness? I'm so befuzzled.

(EpicFailure i hope you don't mind the fact i changed her eyes...) PLEASE. STOP IT. *bawls*

Her eyes were orange, just like mine. OMG LONG LOST SISTER/COUSIN/OSTRICH.

I then refocused on what i meant to say. These people seem to lose focus a lot.
"OK. You can stay here as long as you like. But i have a rule."

"You see that lighthouse?" I asked.
"Yep." Replied Remedy.
"Don't go inside it." I finished. *waves* HAI SHUTTER ISLAND! Oooer, the suspense is killing me. I wonder what's in the lighthouse! Maybe that's where they keep the candy! And the pizza! And the candy pizza!

~Jade's POV~ I give up.

I walked to the side of the sea and looked out. I was about to cast a spell, but Remedy walked up to me.

"Jade! Why are you out here all alone?" Remedy asked.
"Maybe sometimes I need to get away from the crowd." I answered. What crowd? There's like...five of them. Jeesh.

~Dallie's POV~(Nighttime) NO SHIT. I couldn't tell because it's DARK or anything...

The night fell, and i felt more tired than i ever had in my life. At least tomorrow was my birthday. My mum died, but YAY BIRTHDAY! I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Later that evening...

~Saranne's POV~

I walked to the top of the lighthouse and confronted everyone else, without Remedy and Dallie.
"I'm horribly unsure I say! of these people staying at our house." Aiden said, looking worried.
"Only one of them is human. You know how male werewolves get their powers at 4, and can control them once they are 15?" I asked.
"Yep!" said Jake, in his happy, bright voice.
"Females have longer to wait, they get them at 15, and control them at 17. Dallie may be a werewolf. The wait to control them is shorter, but it takes longer for them to actually develop. I'm 17 and a half, so i can control when i turn. Like this." Wait a sec. Guys, I think it's just possible that the vampire fad is starting to die out to be replaced by...werewolves. Dammit.

I concentrated on wolf things in my mind, you know, like running through the forest, howling at the moon and rolling in smelly stuff, and i started to turn into a lump of Jello, if the picture's anything to go by.

After something really painful, i became a wolf. Lulz. I don't even...that just sounds so strange. Like, "I'm not actually going to describe it, but it hurt m'kay?"
"And now back." I said, and concentrated on human things like catching the bus, shouting at the TV and rolling in smelly stuff...wait.

After i had turned back, Jade lost her temper. She hates it when I change.
"Ugh, i need some time out on my own." she screamed, and walked out onto the balcony. Jade is such a drama queen.

~Jake's POV~ D:

"Wait up Jade!" I yelled and walked out after her. I had always loved Jade, but I didn't think she liked me. Because you're so sure of your feelings for others when you're ten.

~Jade's POV~ DDD:

Jake had ran out after me. I guessed that Saranne and Aiden had left the lighthouse.
"What do you want?" I snapped.
"Oh, I'm sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you." He replied. Whaaat?
"No, Don't be sorry. I just..." I paused. I had always liked him, but i don't think he liked me. Aww, ment2b!
"Just what? You OK Jade?"
"I just...like you. I mean, like you as a crush." GASP.

He leaned in closer, near my ear.
"I like you as a crush too."
He leaned out a bit, then moved his head slightly towards my right. Then he leaned in a bit closer. I leaned in a bit, and it only took a few seconds for our lips to meet. I feel my magic rush around my body, through my blood. Then I start to feel light, like i could lie down on a cloud.
...I have no words.

Oooooh!!!! Don't do that. Jake and Jade? Such inventive names! Werewolf and Sorceress? aww, young love. Evs.

Anyway, stay tuned for Darkness 1.2, where we will meet the rest of the characters! I can barely contain my excitement.

That was...bloody horrible. The POV changes made me want to twist my ears off in confusion and despair, the storyline was made of 100% WTF, and the Suery was so pronounced it made my teeth ache. I DON'T EVEN. DDD:
Regardless, that's all from me, my dears. It's been all too quiet on the sporking front lately, so hopefully my late-night cranky rambles have brightened your day in the manner that only a lovingly sporked story can. :D

ETA: WHAT THE FRESH HELL. Get a load of this, you guys. "Yay, 'contest'! Make Sims for my story, 'kay? Oh, but make them look the way I want. And make my sets too, please. Thxbai!"
By the sounds of it, this story is going to be about teen pregnancy, too. Way to break out of the mould, author. /sarcasm

...this, too. Urgh. Quit bitching about the skins. You can easily change them ingame. I've downloaded plenty of Sims with Absurdly Shiny Skin which I've changed to Maxis-match because that's my preference. Still, credit is due for using Maxis skins, I guess...


( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 23rd, 2010 09:36 pm (UTC)

This story is so bad, I don't even know where to start... the stupid character names, the rapid POV changes, the horrible Photoshopping, the complete disregard for physics. Ugh.
Oct. 24th, 2010 12:20 am (UTC)

Yeah, I thought of offering helpful advice like I did with my last spork, but there was so much rubbish I couldn't. It defeated me. D:
Oct. 23rd, 2010 09:47 pm (UTC)
*whines and bangs head against wall* I got so confused! WTF, who switches POV for ONE SENTENCE?! DDD:

I do believe I have a story by this author rotting away in My Documents that I half-way sporked and then gave up on.

Oct. 23rd, 2010 09:50 pm (UTC)
ALSO! WTF, how heavy was her cell phone? It's more likely to go UNDER a pedal, not over. I...just...ugh.
Oct. 24th, 2010 01:04 am (UTC)
Be nice, Mara! Suethors are allergic to the third-person and have to make do where they can. You must be sympathetic to their plight!

I know what you mean... I think I actually have the next chapter of No Air lurking in a folder somwhere, which has been there since Japan. Go me!


Re cellphone: Ugh, I know! It must be the size of a brick or something.
Oct. 24th, 2010 02:17 am (UTC)
I do believe I have a story by this author rotting away in My Documents that I half-way sporked and then gave up on.
I think I actually have the next chapter of No Air lurking in a folder somwhere, which has been there since Japan.

Ha ha, YES! You two are made of awesome! I thought I was the only one with a gazillion unfinished sporks on my desktop... xD
Oct. 24th, 2010 12:42 am (UTC)
What? What? WHAT? I'm just...this whole story confused the hell out of me. I don't even know where to begin!

I second Mara's question about how heavy is her cell phone. It must be one of those from the late eighties - early nineties where they were so freaking huge.

And honestly, who the fuck goes and lives with random strangers right after their mother dies? And why the hell aren't they upset about it?!

One thing's for certain, though: You always make me laugh so much, Rissa. <3
Oct. 24th, 2010 01:09 am (UTC)
It's the only logical explanation! That, or she was accidentally using a 10kg weight as a cellphone. It could happen!

XD What bothers me more is that they just leave their dead mother on the pavement and bugger off with some kids they just met! Um, excuse me? She's going to be lying there attracting flies! Do something, you lazy bitches!
And for the record, I can't begin to describe how distraught I'd be if I'd just lost my mum in a car crash. I certainly wouldn't be going "Hai, I'm Iris! Pleased to meet you! Can I has some candy pizza?" >__>

Jules, you are far too kind. ILU! :3
Oct. 24th, 2010 02:08 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA, for a minute there, on the last two POV changes, I thought that Author had forgotten she had already done a change before I realized the ~subtle difference between Jade and Jake. *facepalm*

WTF, being thirded right here, on their mother's death. WTF. I think they'd have the decency to at least, you know, shed a tear before running off to do whatever. D:
Oct. 24th, 2010 03:25 am (UTC)
Lazy naming FTW! Oh wait, no it's not! Gah!

But they're so distracted by the little girl with the purple eyes, they just forgot all about the crash! IT BOTHERS ME SO MUCH.
Oct. 24th, 2010 03:10 am (UTC)
After something really painful, i became a wolf.
Hey, it's just like a fight scene in The Twilight Saga! Perhaps Smeyer wrote this! A wise man once told us how Smeyer would write a Bond film:
"James Bond drives his car in a northern direction. Then he turns the wheel and steers the car slightly west. Then he does something with a gun.

JAMES BOND: I'm using a gun now.

James Bond then does something else. Also, there are other cars on the road. James Bond hits some of the cars. But other cars are not hit at all. Then James Bond moves in such a way that he is no longer in the same position he was before. His arm isn't on fire. He turns to his enemy.

JAMES BOND: I'm mad at you!

James Bond then flies an airplane. Did I mention that there's an airplane? Because that's kind of important. Anyway, James Bond then uses his arms somehow and something happens. The bomb doesn't go off. (Did I mention there was a bomb?) James Bond then begins to date a 5-year-old, and no one thinks it's weird."

Thank you, Dan Bergstein, for writing this enlightening bit of text.
Oct. 24th, 2010 03:23 am (UTC)
XDD That is brilliant! I love it. Reminds me of this:

My journalism tutor showed us this. Yeah, he's a cool guy.
Oct. 24th, 2010 03:32 am (UTC)
Oh my goodness, that is amazing! Reminds me of another, similar video:
Also, more of the James Bond thing's epicness can be found here: http://community.sparknotes.com/index.php/2009/07/16/blogging-twilight-index-page/
Oct. 24th, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
I actually don't get how that is supposed to be like Stephenie Meyer. If Stephenie Meyer was writing it, there should be purple prose and endless descriptions of character's unnaturally-colored hair and eyes, and maybe the odd phrase like "outrageous flavor".
Oct. 24th, 2010 06:01 am (UTC)
Ah, but Stephenie Meyer is notorious for taking an entire book to build up to some epic battle, then not really say what happens. Take all of Eclipse for example. There is a whole amazingly cool war going on outside, and all we the reader get is to hear about Bella and Edward touching-face and talking about souls in their tent. Even when she does describe action, it's pretty much like the "something really painful" bit. :P
Oct. 24th, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
LOL, I see what you mean now. I only read the first book, but it takes 400 pages or so before we get any real conflict, and then it's over.
Oct. 24th, 2010 04:23 am (UTC)
You know, a thought just occurred to me: According to some BBS-ers on the sims site, the exchange isn't getting admined anymore. Which makes me wonder what one could get away with if someone DID decide to go there.

On another note, I was getting massive My Immortal vibes off this story starting with the line "shivers went down my elegant spine."
Oct. 24th, 2010 04:55 am (UTC)
The endless clothing descriptions and silly character names also makes it sound like My Immortal. But I'm 99% sure that My Immortal is a brilliant troll story, and this story was meant to be taken seriously.
Oct. 24th, 2010 05:23 am (UTC)
I hope the mom comes back as a zombie and eats the kid's brains. That will teach them to leave her in the middle of the sidewalk!

WTF is up with the ending of the chapter? I noticed that they are very proud about this being 30 pages. Did she suddenly go "OH SHIT NEED SOME MORE PAGES!!!" and tack in the kids part? And Werewolf-lady doesn't LOOK like a wolf. More like a were-greyhound or something.
Oct. 24th, 2010 08:11 pm (UTC)
I agree, that would be epic. And they'd totally have it coming to them!

Thirty pages is something of an accomplishment, apparently. Even though this story is technically a prologue and chapter one crammed together, so it's not really. And IKR? RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, THE WERE-GREYHOUND IS COMING! DDD:
Oct. 24th, 2010 05:49 pm (UTC)
So they're not moving to California anymore, I take it?
Oct. 24th, 2010 08:12 pm (UTC)
Indeed. I would say those plans went on hold the moment their wonderful mother dropped her 10kg cellphone on the accelerator and steered toward a lamp post. As you do.
Nov. 25th, 2010 07:13 am (UTC)
ETA: WHAT THE FRESH HELL. Get a load of this, you guys. "Yay, 'contest'! Make Sims for my story, 'kay? Oh, but make them look the way I want. And make my sets too, please. Thxbai!"
By the sounds of it, this story is going to be about teen pregnancy, too. Way to break out of the mould, author. /sarcasm[/quote]

Wow at all the rules about the sims' appearances. If the author is going to be that picky, they would be better off making the sims themselves, or making a request at a sims forum. And you can easily change a sim's skin, eyes, or hair color in Bodyshop or CAS. For requesting a lot, just saying "a house" is not specific enough.

The author also gave away all major information about her characters and plot in that post asking for people to make her sims... why do that before your story is uploaded?
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )


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